Sunshine | Farkle

21: raina meets true maya

"she wanted to say "don't leave me" but she couldn't do it, not again. she was so tired of begging people to love her."

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There was a park in New York City that holds a lot of meaning to me. It wasn't in Central Park, where the grass was alive and green in the summer and where children go to play every single day. It wasn't where dogs would trot along the path, tugging their owners along so they could sniff and rub against someone. It wasn't where the birds chirped or where people lingered, but it was a place that held inspiration.

There was street art everywhere, whether it be professionally done or simple graffiti. Whatever it was, it gave me feelings that just inspired me to go above and beyond. Out of all the mix of colors and talents and beauty that made up the small park, there was one specific thing that captured my attention.

It was the small statue of the four children.

It sounds idiotic saying it now. What was so special about a short statue of four friends, holding hands and smiling like there wasn't anything wrong with the world? At first, I didn't see the beauty in it either. I didn't get what made this sculpture so unique until it was a month into my first year of high school and I was crying on the bench that faced it.

I sat with my elbows prodding into my thighs and my face in my hands as I sobbed. I wasn't one to publicly cry. Crying when I know it's safe is what I like to do, but sometimes the pain of the world gets too much and it's hard to hold it all in.

My plan was to sit there and think. I had to think over my feelings of self hatred and my feelings for the people I cared about in life. Thoughts raced through my mind a million miles per hour. Why wasn't I good enough? Why doesn't Maya like me? Why do I feel myself falling for Farkle when I know for a fact my heart belongs to Stuart? Stuart was there for me when no one was, but so was Farkle. When will I be the as happy as the other four children who never frowned? When will I have my own friends, just like them?

Those were the questions I was going to find the answer to as I bask in the special beauty of the artwork around me. It was already late at night, quite dangerous for a fifteen year old girl to wander, yet I did so anyways. I needed to clear my mind and I needed to have a moment to myself.

Walking down the alley towards the statue, I could already hear the hustle of other people. I didn't like to be around others while thinking because I felt like they could influence my decisions when I want it to be 100% my own.

"You could do a lot of damage with that. Is that was you came here for? See what you're still capable of?"

Still hiding in the darkness of the night, I could recognize the three figures underneath the dim lighting. The person who spoke was Carla, a girl from my old school. I recognize the condescending tone and her style of clothing. Her curly haired friend Renee was there as well. She was always ditzy, but she was always nice. I never bothered them, and they never bothered me, but I've heard a couple of things about them that would make my grandmother faint.

"Yeah," the third person spoke, her blonde hair shining in the light. "I came here to see what I'm still capable of."

Squinting to piece the different aspects of her together, I realize that it was Maya who stood between Renee and Carla. It is her who looks as confident and proud as she did when we argued the other day. The three continued their conversation, talking of old times when they would wreak havoc amongst the city. I never thought that Maya would be that way. I've always known her as the edgy girl who showed her soft side to everyone, except when she seemed to be going through an identity crisis where she didn't know who she was. Staring at her, my chest hurting at the remembrance of her words, I tell myself over and over that this isn't her. It can't be.