Sunshine | Farkle

19: raina meets another girl who doesn't like her

"it's not the future you are afraid of. it's the fear of the past repeating itself that haunts you."

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          I was sitting at lunch, eating and reading a book by myself out in the courtyard. I didn't sit in the cafeteria anymore at the center of the gymnasium because I was no longer friends with Sarah and when I did try to sit in there at one of the side tables, her constant sneers and glares made me feel uneasy. We never broke it off officially and I didn't want to be the person who did it. I guess she didn't either.

         I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other night, falling in love with the message and telling Stuart that I finally read it. I love talking to him again; the only problem is it feels like it isn't him anymore. I try to bring up the same topics as before that we each shared the same amount of unconditional passion for, yet he doesn't reciprocate the enthusiasm.

Stuart doesn't text back as fast. He doesn't text first. He doesn't say more than two sentences at most. He doesn't talk about life with me anymore. Stuart doesn't sent artwork, song lyrics, poems that remind him of me. It's like all interest he had in our friendship vanished.

Yet my feelings for him linger.

It wasn't hard to grow feelings for him when he was the one person who was there for me before everything spiraled into a cyclone of utter drama. He attempted to convince me on multiple occasions that I deserved better. Despite my catty tendencies and refusal to listen to his advice, Stuart stayed.

Why did I like him so much when he treats me like this? Do I just have a thing for people who don't treat me the way I should be treated? Honestly, it was so mind-boggling that I couldn't even focus on the new novel in my hands.

I didn't have to force myself to concentrate because sooner or later, a bouncy brunette who always had a smile on her face trotted over and plopped herself down next to me. "Hiiii," Riley sighs in one big breath. Her brown eyes squint tightly as she grins so widely.

"Uh, hi," I reply. It was shocking not to see her counterpart, Maya, for they were always together.

Riley tucks a piece of hair behind her ear before saying, "So, I've realized that you and Farkle have been getting friendly this past couple of weeks." I nod in agreement as she twiddles her thumbs. "And any friend of Farkle's is a friend of mine."

"Oh, you don't have to—"

"No, I insist, Raina Faith. You deserve as many good friends as you can possibly have because you are the good and the good are surrounded by the good and kept away from the not so good." Riley grins. I could only observe her in awe as my brain turns the gears in my mind to comprehend what she just said. All I heard was good several times and my name. Taking my silence as understanding, Riley continues. "You can hang out with Farkle and I and the rest of our friends at Topanga's later."

Before I could open my mouth, Maya appears, brows cinched at the sight of her friend and I sitting together. "Riles, Smackle's looking for you inside," the blonde says. Riley shoots out of her seat immediately.

Not even two steps ahead, she asks if Maya would follow, but the blonde only replies with a half hearted response. She would be there in a moment she told her best friend who was already bouncing down the pavement towards the lunchroom.

That left Maya and I in silence. I toy with the hem of my skirt, not wanting to meet her scrutinizing glare. She purses her lips and inches towards me slowly.

"I overheard your guys' conversation," she begins. I nod my head for her to continue. "Riley said that any friend of Farkle's is a friend of his friends, but there's something about you that isn't right."

"What?" I utter in shock. I blink at her rapidly before she leans in close enough so so could smell her perfume.

"You're hiding something, and people who hide things will always ruin and destroy. You are not going to ruin or destroy Farkle," Maya spits.

I shake my head furiously. "I don't....I'm not like that. I swear. I would never—"

"If you have nothing to hide, then why are you friend with him all of a sudden. What happened to Sarah?"

"It's hard to explain, but I'm not hiding anything."

"I don't like you, Raina," Maya declares. Her words make me feel like no one at all likes me. Why is it that as soon as I escape one problem, life throws another one on top of me? "There's something off about you." I feel my nose begin to burn with the anticipation of tears. "You're keeping secrets." My eyes start to sting from holding in the tears. "If I don't like you, sooner or later, neither will Farkle, so just...leave now."

I open my mouth to say something, my insecurities clogging my throat from saying anything to defend myself. Maya's icy stare chills my bones and causes my stomach to twist uncontrollably. She crosses her arm over her chest and leans back.

"Leave..." she mutters. "Because just like everyone else, you'll do it."

Maya whips around angrily before stomping off, leaving me to feel as much of a nothing as I did before. Her words would ring through my head all the time now. Her opinions will whittle me into a new version of myself to conform to her preferences. I feel sick as I think about all my insecurities and doubts coming back to plague my mind. I wipe away my tears before standing up from where I was sitting.

No, I tell myself, slinging my bag over my shoulder. This won't happen again. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than her words. I repeat this to myself like a broken record, hoping by the time I memorize it word by word, my own thoughts would come true to overshadow the doubts.