songs, poems, and letters

Letter-myself

February 21st 2014

i'm tired of ciphers and codes and new languages, i don't car if anybody see this. i wish, i just wish i could slip away, i wish i could go home. I want to cry so much for so long. i want to curl up in a ball in a dark cold room with no one around. I can't let my friends see me be weak. They know me as the party animal, the one who is always making jokes even if they don't make sense. But right now i just want to die. Ugh! I've got a song stuck in my head and it's so depressing, on my own from Les Misérables. That song, it connects to me like a puzzle piece. i want to die the way Eponine dies, in my best friend's arms in the rain singing "a little fall of rain" with them. (Sounds cheesy but it's true)  If anyone is reading this you would think that i would want to die in _??//'s arms but you are wrong. I want to die in an even more special person's embrace. the person who i think about everyday and dream about every night, the one who is my role model, and like my brother, my section leader in band. Oh, i wish i could die right now, i wish i could just ____ myself to death. Oh. Bagel save me! Or let me die in your arms, I prefer the last one. Or just let me be and let me die alone. Oh, ____! i think i'm going to cry! No! i can't i'm at school, i can't let Mira or Fernando see me cry or anybody else. They'll think i'm weak they'll, they'll think i'm... i don't know what they would think. Just let me die, i'm so tired, so sad, so lonely, so stupid, so weak, so broken, just so done. K____'s gone, i sold my soul to pay a debt years ago, what's left to live for? Who's living now? Not K____, no she's been dead for years. Now it's just a cold corpse living in a void that can not hold. A world with no meaning or light. I'll escape now from that world, so i can finally, finally have the sweet, warm, welcome of death as it takes my pain away, farewell friends.