Exotica

Trust Me

"I have to go pick the kids up from school." Cyarra and I both look in the direction of the faint feminine voice and see Amini standing at the bottom of the stairs wearing a black tank top and a pair of my sweatpants that were hanging loosely on her hips from them being too big for her. You could tell that she had just got out of the shower due to her wet, wild curls. "No, I'll pick them up. They'll be spending the rest of the week with Imani." I attempt to stand but my sister beats me to it and walks over to Amini, taking her car keys out of her hand. "I'll pick them up, I have not seen my nieces and nephew in so long." Cyarra cooes.

"Yesenia is volunteering at a shelter in Sherman Oaks and Paz has gymnastic practice. I told Lur that I'd take her to the pet store to get a turrtle after school and Osvaldo has basketball practice." My wife says, listing our children's activities. I do admire how she's more hands on with them now but I feel like she's only doing that as an excuse to stay distant with me. I assume spending more time with our kids helps her not think so much about what's going on between us. "Okay, and I'll make sure of that but I'm still getting them from school so I'll see you guys in a while. Bye Quin!" Cyarra glares at me hard then looks at Amini then back at me before hurrying out.

I take that as a sign to talk to my wife since we'd be home alone for a while. Once the front door closes I look at her and watch as she looks away from me. She begins to chew on her bottom lip and fumble with the drawstring on her- my sweatpants. I stand still and study her, watching irritation grow by the second. It was clear to see that she did not want to be in my presence but she was just tolerating me for what reason? I have no clue. "How are you?" I speak, trying to start a simple conversation with her, If I can get at least that then maybe I can talk this out with her again. She looks everywhere but at me, refusing to look into my eyes even though it's taking everything in her not to. "Why would you ask me that?" She responds after a few minutes, I lean my being against the doorframe and look her up and down, still studying her. "Don't do that with me, I'm your wife not one of your patients." She says lowly, walking right past me, I turn and watch her begin to take dishes out of the cabinets, I assume preparing for dinner in a few hours. "I'm sorry, I just want to help fix what I messed up. You said that you've forgiven me but your actions show otherwise, my love." She ignores me and opens the refrigerator. "You have yet to do that, if you forgive someone then you wouldn't still told anguish towards them it's been a month, allow me to right my wrongs. It's not like I'm going on about this as if I don't care. I do, baby I care and I want you to stop hurting." I confess. Knowing that her pain is caused by me hurts me even more. I'm supposed to be the one to ease her pain instead of cause it.

"I'm trying to." She closes the refrigerator door and looks at me, I see her coffee colored eyes pooling with tears and purse my lips at the sight of them. "I wish I could just forgive you, and believe that it was all her wrong doing but I can't. I can't stop picturing her with you, after all the apologies and talks we had about this I just can't let it go and I want to. I don't want to be sad all damn day about a kiss but I am."

"Do you trust me?" I ask her. She looks at me briefly then turns around to grab a dish out of the clean rack. By her not responding I knew that the answer was a swift no. That simple betrayal has broken the trust she did have and it's breaking our bond as well, it's like walking on thin ice with her now. I knew that my wife was always a complex being but as of now, she's like a jigsaw puzzle. I'm trying to fit the right pieces in but each piece I pick up seems to be the wrong one.

"You kept that a secret from me but you told me countless times that it was not a big deal, I tried treating it like it wasn't but I can't. You loved her once upon a time and I know that you always will. But I can't bring myself to say that it was just one little kiss. I want to forgive you and move forward with our marriage but my heart won't let me. I stay away from you because I have yet to heal, I can't forget this or mask the feeling I have inside. I-I resent you now." Hearing her say that pains me; my own wife resents me. I stand still and look at her, unable to respond. There was nothing for me to say at this point and I'm starting to doubt that this will even be fixed, if she resents me then where else can we go from here?