To Live Is To Fight (#2)

Chapter 29

I stared into the guarded eyes, only seeing hatred and anger seeping through the icy blue eyes. The chiseled jaw locked in place, showing how determined he was in beating me, in avenging his brother, for what I have done to his brother. I felt my resolve, the determination that was swirling in my pit dissolve for a split second when I remembered why he was doing this.

Don't I deserve to be beat to death? Wouldn't I have done the same for Bryant? Was what I did to Bryant, killing him, not enough sins on my part? Am I even worthy of any redemption? Do I even have the right to walk on this Earth for all the things I've done?

I hesitated for only a split second but that was all the opening Cole needed to slam me down on the ground and keep me fixed there with his bare hand.

"You took everything away from my brother. Do you not have a conscience?! Do you not have any remorse?!" He screamed at my face and I can feel some of his spit hit the side of my face from how close he was.

I wanted to scream at him, to tell him that yes, I do feel remorse; that yes, I do have a conscience that's screaming at me to stop fighting him; that I don't want anything more than to stop fighting him; that I don't want to fight him from killing me because maybe death is what I deserve. That maybe death is the only thing I deserve; for getting my brother killed, for ruining two men's lives, endangered my loved ones lives; all because I was selfish and self-centered. I brought all of this onto myself. No one else should suffer from the mistakes I've made.

But instead of all these thoughts I had, all these words that I want to scream at him, all that came out was a choked but hard "no."

It was as if I wasn't speaking, as if someone else took over my body and my voice and rendered me helpless, powerless.

At my response, Cole's grip on my neck tightened and I saw black spots cloud my vision, felt my head losing whatever weight it has and I felt my lungs heaving, begging for air. Cole dragged me up onto my feet by my neck and all I could do was claw at his hands in a weak attempt to get rid of the block on my windpipe.

A part of me was scared of what's waiting on the other side. Will Bryant be there with me? Will he be disappointed of what I've become, what I've done? But a part of me was begging myself to let go, to stop fighting and give it up. That part was tired of this life, of hurting people after people, that part of me was sick of being the cause of people's misery.

This man was going to kill me, though. Whether I like it or not, I can't defeat him. He was strong, and even though he was angry and full of vengeance, he didn't let those emotions to cloud his judgment and make him reckless. He was smart and he was strong and I don't think I was going to beat him.

I was going to die, ruining a man's life even more than I have. I was going to make him a killer if I didn't stop him.

I had to try, I had to try and stop that from happening. I don't know what would happen to me if I died knowing I let someone bear the weight of being a killer to send me on my way to the afterlife.

I thought about the kids that I saw walking with Cole in the park and the mental image give me a boost of adrenaline. Do it for them, Casey. You have to do it for them.

Do you know that moment in the movies where the good guy remembers a memory that just suddenly gives them a brighter fire of determination and gives them super strength and immortality all of a sudden? Yeah, that didn't happen. I made sure my last heaving breath counted as I flailed in Cole's surprisingly monstrous grasp. My vision was blacking out and I was surprised I haven't died yet by now but when I felt my lungs' heaving get shorter and shorter, I know my time was coming short.

I thought about all the people that I'm failing; my parents, Bryant, Jerry, Preston, Adam, the kids, Shi Fu, Cole's brother, Cole himself, the kids he were with, and everyone else that are going to be in danger because of me and with my last thought, I apologized to every single one of them. Especially to the kids I saw Cole were with. I apologized to them for making Cole a killer and I apologize to them that I messed their lives up at such a tender age. God knows what their relations are to Cole and his brother.