.''I hate you, I love you''.

-16-

(this music is actually really good)

Lauren's pov:

I sighed and rubbed my head, damn this work is hard.

I stood up and walked to the window, looking out it at the sky.

don't get me wrong I like being a therapist and all but some nutcases are just impossible to deal with.

throughout the years Dash stopped wanting to bash my face in when he saw me, the Blackblood family closing of any contact with my family so we needed to pay to stay on this land.

Eszter and Michelle still resented me while her little sister Flash.... it honestly hurt more to hear her say I messed up her family then it hurt her mother saying that because little kids never lie.

even when I was still in school, Mrs. Blackblood only talked to me professionally while she could be all friendly with other students, I knew they blamed me for their daughter's departure and I did to, acting without thinking.

it was only after she left that I realised why I felt jealous, hate or anything with her around.... it wasn't hate at all.... but well.... that's kind of the past, I can only blame myself for what I lost and never will have back.... if only I could just turn back the time.

I lived alone right now, in an apartment as I was fine with it, I didn't want to be at home at 21, wanting to have my own life.

James, him? him and I did have a small history before she left but it was cut off on that day, right now he was a drugging and drinking man, like those stereotypes.

I sighed and decided to stop thinking so I went to my living room and turned on the TV, clicking through the channels until one caught my attention.

"and an 11-member rescue squad deployed overseas got overwhelmed by the enemy" my eyes and ears couldn't believe what they were hearing and seeing, a picture of different person in military uniform...... one a female with a lock of blue on her hair.... "they were helping evacuating a village close to the war zone when the enemy closed in on them and opened fire, their helicopter was shot down as one of the two survivors testified for us, their sergeant, Ashira Blackblood had ordered retreat but seeing people from the village would be hurt, everyone knew they needed to stay, the survivor, Kelly Lit, said his sergeant ordered him to play dead as she was herself, shot and dying, this manoeuvre saved the life of the young man but when the rescue teams arrive only him and his superior were still alive with severe injuries..... the other 9 man were held heroes along with the two survivors to have risked and lost their lives to save civilians, not backing down in the face of danger...... the 9 man were buried a few days ago and the two last members of the squad got permanently discharged from the army and sent home after this horrifying act of war...."

I turned off the TV after that and stared at the black screen for a while without being able to do anything.

my hands went to my mouth, covering it in shock as tears spilt down my face.

"oh my god" I breathed out, throat tight...... I had no idea how that could have felt but I'm sure it's horrible from the pictures showed, nothing with blood but they were still super heart breaking like a pick of 9 closed coffins with two person standing closer and the whole army lined up behind them, gut clenching...... she's coming home but not like I wished her too....

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the 3-year-old paper stared at its folded up form, yes I kept the paper even if what was written for me in it was only filled with pure hate, I simply couldn't let go.

the time she left I tried calling her but she blocked my number, then her family closed themselves off, I had no way of telling her how sorry I was....... even if it won't change anything now maybe she'll listen to my apology.... even if she doesn't care or wants me out of her sight.... just let me say sorry one time....

I sighed sadly.... if only the world was a better and simpler place then it is.... none of this would have happened and I wouldn't have confused hate with attraction all those years ago.... I'll do what I can to help.... as long as she lets me...... please let me.

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Please