Acrophilia

XII: thankful

"Instead of what? What did you pursue?" Jaebeom asks, smiling amused at the younger's offhanded comment.

"Uhh..." Jinyoung stops, brow slightly knitted together as he thinks. "Nothing."

"Seriously? You don't do anything with your life aside from appreciating heights?" Jaebeom asks, curious about the boy in front of him and unable to stop himself. "Do you even go to university? What do you do?"

"Uhh... nothing? Right now I just... hang in there." Jinyoung shrugs as if nothing, a sheepish smile oh his lips, the tip of his ears slightly red with embarrassment. "Nothing ever caught my attention and nobody pushed me to do anything with my life. I guess everyone knew I had no attachment to my life so why bother doing anything with it?"

"It could've given you a reason to feel attached to your life," Jaebeom inputs, watching the boy in front of him with new eyes.

As much detached as Jinyoung is, suicidal tendencies and all, he should have someone who encourages him to enjoy life, to do something. How could his family or friends abandon him like that?

"Do you enjoy anything aside from heights?"

"I like reading," the younger replies with a shrug, making the situation a lot more casual than it is. "But I won't make a life out of reading."

"That's a worry someone who cares about the future would say," Jaebeom comments, making Jinyoung flustered for a second for catching him saying such thing. "If you don't care whether you live or not, shouldn't you just do what you do enjoy?"

"I do," Jinyoung replies confidently, his expression serious. "I don't need to go to uni or get a job or anything to enjoy reading, but I do not have dreams, hyung. I know you're trying to make me think I have one or something, but I don't. There's nothing I want to do tomorrow or the day after."

Listening to Jinyoung saying that makes Jaebeom sad, seeing someone without a dream, without anything they want is heartbreaking. He could point out how Jinyoung does want to die, but considering death as someone's dream is too depressive for Jaebeom right now, so he stays quiet.

This is what he didn't want, this concern he feels for Jinyoung right now, wanting to help him find something that will give him some sort of motivation in life. This desire to do something for the younger. Jaebeom is overwhelmed with his own situation, he's oversensitive to death right now. He wanted distance from Jinyoung, he didn't want to care or anything, but somehow the younger has made his way and stopped being a stranger for Jaebeom, to the point he truly cares if the younger success at killing himself one day. He hopes it won't happen.

"Anyway," Jinyoung speaks again because Jaebeom doesn't know what else to say in that situation, and he's struggling with the realisation that now he cares about the boy in front of him. "You should get going. Where are you heading to?" He questions, his head turning to one end of the bridge and then to the other, a finger in the air, undecided.

Jaebeom points to his right, hoping it isn't late enough that the trains have stopped so he can go home without having to take a taxi. There are less chances to get in an accident in the subway.

"I'll walk you to the end of the bridge," Jinyoung offers, wearing the kind smile again and turning in that direction.

Jaebeom doesn't refuse and instead catches up with Jinyoung, matching the younger's steps and walking alongside, heading south to finish crossing the river.

"Hey, I didn't properly thank you for helping me the other day with my cold," Jaebeom speaks, remembering that now and realising he keeps getting indebted to Jinyoung. "I asked for you in the hospital the next day, but they didn't have a patient under your name that was awake or that had gotten into trouble for sneaking out."

"I didn't get in trouble for that."

"Tell me the truth, were you in the psychiatric ward?" Jaebeom asks in a teasing tone, but Jinyoung doesn't smile.

"It's complicated," the younger says and Jaebeom doesn't pry because their friendship is just starting, it's still unusual and not solid enough.

"I'm glad you didn't get in trouble, though. And I'm really thankful for what you did that day, and for today as well. I—I was having a hard time and you helped me a lot, both times. I guess I just want to say, thank you, sincerely."

Jinyoung turns his head to look at Jaebeom with a curious expression, as if measuring the honesty of his words, so the older tries to show he really means it by stopping and bowing his head to the younger. The latter is clearly surprised at such reaction, even a bit flustered, he looks as if he didn't know what to do.

"I um... I guess we are even. Not like I needed your help when you pulled me back those times," Jinyoung comments, looking away and scratching the back of his head nervously. "But for caring enough to do something and trying to stop me, even if there was no need for it."

"Still, if you need anything, let me know. I'm indebted to you," Jaebeom insists, trying to smile confidently. "If you need anyone to talk to, or a distraction, even someone to pull you back when you feel like jumping... count on me."

Jinyoung only blinks at him, his lips slightly parted in surprised for the offer. Honestly, Jaebeom is also surprised he's holding up his hand for Jinyoung, someone who clearly won't be easy to deal with, someone that will wear him out with worry, someone who one day might just disappear without an explanation. Jaebeom is offering his friendship, sincerely, and it surprises both of them. He doesn't know if the younger has had someone to offer to hold him back when he wants to jump, someone who's willing to run and yank him back to the ground, maybe that's why he looks so surprised. Jaebeom did it before when they didn't know each other, now he's offering himself to do it every time it's needed, running faster if he can.

"Th-thank you," Jinyoung mutters, pulling himself together and standing straighter, looking at Jaebeom with an intensity that pulls something inside the older's body. "I um... I need to get going now," the younger adds even when they haven't reached the end of the bridge. "I need to find someone."

Jaebeom tilts his head because Jinyoung has given him the impression like he has no one. Still, he doesn't question it and just nods his head.

"And hyung... things will get better, you'll see."

"Thank you," he replies, appreciating the hopeful words. "I'll see you soon, right?"

"Yeah," Jinyoung smiles widely and with something mischievous in his eyes, as if he's hiding a secret only he knows that amuses him greatly. "I'll show up in front of you when you least expect it."

"As long as it isn't at the edge of any rooftop building, I'm fine," Jaebeom smiles.

"Can't promise anything," the younger laughs and Jaebeom does it with him, not believing they are talking about it like that.

What's gotten into him, seriously?

"Get home safe, hyung."

"You too. Good luck finding that person and doing whatever you have to do," Jaebeom wishes, smiling kindly and waving his hand goodbye.

"Thanks," Jinyoung smiles, bowing his head slightly in goodbye before turning around and running up north.

Jaebeom stays a few more seconds, watching Jinyoung running to wherever he needs to be now. The smile stays in his lips, even when he turns around and checks the time, realising he still has an hour before the trains stop running. He heads home with a lighter heart and a less overwhelmed mind, feeling a bit stronger to carry on and it's all thanks to Jinyoung. Who could've thought that the crazy guy he tried to save one day would help him so much?

Life surely works in very mysterious and odd ways.

∞

Merry Christmas or happy holidays! (whatever suits you, my friend). I hope you're having a good time with your family or friends. If you're in the north part of the Globe, look after yourself. Winter is here~~~ If you're in the souther hemisphere, look after sunburns and all that. Enjoy the summer!

I bring a new chapter and hopefully next year, as I'll be moving to a new place, things will be more stable as I won't spend so many hours commuting or dying after work hehehe.

Bel, xx