Getting Over Kaori Miyazono

Chapter 15

"So, is it holding you back, or is it everything?" She clearly asked.

Well, what does the piano mean to me? It's been my everything for so long. It gave me a reputation, awards, discipline, I don't know who I'd be without it.

But the only reason I started performing was because of my mother. She pushed me to be perfect, to play pieces strictly as they were written, I couldn't ever enjoy it because of her, and I lost my ability to hear it in the end.

And then there was Kaori, who taught me to have fun and make my playing an art rather than a recreation. To be proud of the experience because it doesn't matter what other's think about the performance, only what I think.

"Tsubaki" I breathed, after quite some time considering the question, "I want to keep playing, but I don't think I want to competitively."

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Not long after I reached out to Hiroko, like Tsubaki said, I should go back to therapy.

A few days later, I'm woken up by a honking horn outside my door. Frantically, I throw on some jeans, wear the same shirt and grab my glasses, she'd be angry I wasn't ready. I run out the door and climb into her car, out of breath.

Hiroko was unusually calm, "Oh, nice of you to show up." She states in a sassy mildly annoyed tone.

"Thanks for taking me." I wasn't going to get into it with her, I just wanted to get help.

"Oh hey, by the way you left before the judges put out the results."

"And?" I relied flatly, I didn't care how I did, mostly because I couldn't hear it but I wasn't trying to gain anything from performing.

"You got third place, you go to nationals next month."

"Oh" Looks like I'll be in a competition anyways.

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"So Kousei, I heard you performed recently, how did that go?" Hisa asked, rather more straight forward than I thought she'd be.

"It was alright" I responded in a hushed tone.

"Was it? You know I actually attended the performance. You played quite well, but I could still notice when the melody became frantic and confused. Could you hear it?" Right to the point.

"No" I said even quieter, my head tilted low, my hands closed into loose fists. I was more confused then angry, but upset none the less.

"Why do you think that is?"

I hadn't had the slightest idea, I thought of everything that could prevent me from hearing myself. "I don't know, I thought we worked everything out last time."

"I wish it was that easy Kousei" She paused for a moment, considering what to say carefully, "Tell me a little bit about your mother, last time we focused more on her death than on her as a person, as your mother."

"In the beginning, she was the sweetest, most caring mom, and I always loved listening to her play the piano. But once I started playing the piano, everything changed. My dad left on more business trips and my mom lost her kindness. Everything became about the piano, to play it perfectly as it was intended. I hardly got to see my friends, sometimes I barely slept, it was all to be a musician."

"When you first started playing, did you want to?"

"I'm not sure" I honestly couldn't recall, I just started playing one day and then we all took it more seriously.  

"Do you want to keep playing even now?"

"I think I do." For me, it wasn't about competition or performing, I wanted to beat my fears, I wanted to hear myself just like I could before.

"When you were older, did you do anything else with your mom?"

"Not really, whenever I wasn't practicing or performing I was at school. I also took as many chances as possible to get out of the house."

She phrased this question carefully and slowly, "If your mother were still alive, would you forgive her?"

That had never occurred to me, am I holding onto everything she did to me? She lost herself in making me a success, she lost me when I wasn't perfect enough for her. Could I forgive her? "I don't know that she's ever asked me for forgiveness."

"That doesn't matter, with her asking or not, could you do it?"

"I don't know."

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I was surprised to get a call from Kousei in the afternoon, he sounded a little down but he wanted to hang out, so we're meeting up pretty soon.

I ruffled my hair quickly, checking my appearance and I heard him knocking on the door, "Be there in a sec!!"

I rushed down the stairs and out the door, scaring Kousei slightly but he just laughed a little and said "Hey Tsubaki,"

"Hey"

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