Liar, Liar

Chapter 17 - All the Things I've done

"What now?"

"Hi there, sunshine," she sarcastically remarks. "I'm just calling to check up on you."

"I'm great, thanks." I throw the now chilled coffee in the nearest trash can and take a bite of my long-awaited bagel. "You don't need to check up on me. I'm fine."

She scoffs loudly. "I would hardly say yesterday was fine. It's okay if you still have feelings for Adam and you made a tough decision-"

"I don't, Fern," I interrupt gravely. "I'm not in love with him anymore, so don't say that again." My tone comes out harsher than I intended to and Fern obviously notices this and moves on from the topic.

"Okay, okay, if you say so," she backtracks. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. The gallery opening is on Sunday. You'll come right? You can invite Dean if you'd like."

Relieved, I smile. "Yeah, of course."

"Awesome! Oh, and are you coming home tonight or are you spending the night at Dean's...again?"

I enter the on-campus library and approach the desk in the front. "No, no, I'm coming home. I'm leaving soon." We hang up. I pick up my book for the Addictive Disorders class and take my leave. It isn't until I am sitting in my car that I pause and take a breather.

I don't mean to, but I find my whole body wanting to do nothing but sleep for three weeks. My whole life has become a web of lies. I don't know what to do anymore. I've ended it with Adam for good, but I can't go around pretending that I don't miss him. He was my crush for three years, he admitted he had feelings for me too and we had a great couple of weeks together.

But of course, life caught up and reality struck us like a truck. It would never and will never work out between us. It would be too complicated.

And then I went ahead and fell back onto Dean. He's great and I love him, but it doesn't feel the same. He's great, he truly is. He makes me happy, emotional, flirty and excited, but Adam made me feel dangerous, like the best and worst version of myself – all at the same time. He made me feel powerful. He made me feel like I could have anything or anyone in the whole world, even though I only had eyes for him. He made me forget that there were other guys out there. And now I can't forget him.

Holding onto the steering wheel, my head falls forward and lands on the rim of it. Tears start to slip uncontrollably and I let them run down my cheeks and drip off of my chin. I don't care that I'm in the middle of a very public parking lot. I don't care that someone might see me. It doesn't matter.

I kept telling Fern this morning that I was fine, even though I cried the whole rest of last night after Adam left. I guess I was in denial. Maybe I've been in denial ever since I first kissed Adam in the hallway of my apartment. It was all just a big mistake and it's eating me alive.

I groan and wipe the tears from my face. Fuck, I'm not going home now. I don't want to face Fern's sympathetic eyes when she sees I've been crying. I'd rather eat bagels in Mr. Emerson's class again.

I take my car and drive out of the city. I get onto the highway and just speed past the cars. I've got my phone plugged in and I am blasting pop music so loud that I'm sure San Francisco could hear it. My thoughts are still racing, beating me up from the inside out. Why couldn't I just get over Adam? Why did I have to make a move on him? Why couldn't I just control myself? Why did I lie to my best friend? Why do I not have morals? Why am I still in love with him? Why can't I commit to Dean like I have him for three years?

I scream as loud as I can. But it doesn't even begin to deafen out my thoughts. I feel trapped.

Trapped in my own mind.

I used to be pretty straight up. I didn't lie or cheat, I didn't hurt others or keep secrets. The only time I would, would be to protect. But now I am lying, cheating, keeping secrets and, despite her not knowing, hurting Ashley, my best friend who always stuck up for me.

Outside of New York City I park in a deserted parking lot and walk into a grocery store. I pick up a bottle of vodka and two bags of chips and drink and eat it in my car for hours. I never used to be a person who drank away their problems either, but here I am now, drinking a bottle of 20% alone in a car in the middle of nowhere with no means of stopping. Life is definitely not the same anymore.

It's around 6PM when my phone buzzes next to me. Well, it has been buzzing from Fern's calls the last two hours, but it's different this time. It's Ashley.

I consider not answering her, but I can't find it in my heart to, so I pick up, trying my absolute best not to sound drunk – which I absolutely am.

"Hey, there," I chirp, even though I have dried tears all over my cheeks. Instead of an answer though, Ashley just squeals.

"Guess who just got engaged!"