Liar, Liar

Chapter 15 - With the World on My Side

My stomach feels like a thousand pounds as I wait for the elevator to reach my floor. Only once has this elevator ride felt so long, and that was with Adam. It's always Adam, making me feel things I don't want to feel and making me do things I shouldn't do because of the things I don't want to feel but do. It's just Adam.

Before Adam, I wasn't a girl to just burst into tears at any given time or to scream into thin air for the silliest reasons or to get drunk and cry in bathtubs. Sure, I wasn't the perfect girl that would ace all her exams and gasp horrifiedly at the thought of underage drinking, but on the other side, I wasn't notorious for being a hysterical, hormonal monster either. I truly do hope I'm not that today either, but I sure am closer than before.

A lot of things have changed since before Adam. If before Adam is the time before I started crushing on him first year of college, then I am not sure if I even remember before Adam. But if it lasted until a little over three weeks ago, I sure have a list of things that were turned upside down the moment we kissed in the hallway of my apartment.

1) My relationship with Ashley has become so hard to keep up with that I don't know how I manage it anymore. She's in the dark about so many key things I want to tell her, but know I can't.

2) My relationship with alcohol has definitely gotten stronger – for better and for worse (mostly worse).

3) My relationship with sex (with another person) has gone from non-existent to quite wild, I have to admit. I can't say I'm complaining about this change.

4) My relationship with Adam. No words needed.

If my heart could speak, I know it would be telling me to wait for Adam and trust him to make the right decision. However, if my brain could speak, I know it would be yelling at my heart for being so naive. The portrait Fern painted of me does a very good job of depicting how I feel right now.

The elevator doors open and I amble towards the door of the apartment shared between Fern and me. Ever since our heart-to-heart by the bathrooms earlier, my mind has been reeling with all these thoughts about us. About us before, us now and us later – if we make it that far. Someday, he said. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Someday as in sometime this upcoming week or someday as in sometime this decade? Am I supposed to just wait?

The first thing I hear when I enter the messy apartment is giggles. If I wasn't so sombre, I would have furrowed my brows and gone to check it out. Instead, I make a beeline to my bedroom and close the door behind me. The giggles stop.

"B?" Fern calls from outside, knocking on the door once she reaches it. "Are you okay?"

I reply with a groan, burying my face in my pillow. I hear the door open and a second later the bed dips next to me, a hand gently pushing my curls away from my face.

Fern is quiet, she only sighs like a mother would if her daughter bruised her heart and runs her fingertips through my hair.

"I don't think Adam and I are gonna work out," I sniffle, closing my eyes as a stray tear escapes. "You were right."

Fern purses her lips pitifully and lowers her eyes. If it were any other day, she would have boasted about her being correct, yelling I told you so for weeks on end. But it isn't any other day. I think I've realized that Adam isn't ready and that what we have is meant for the shadows. We couldn't have solved this any way so that we didn't lose Ashley, anyway, and however much I am in love with Adam, I couldn't bear having that on my shoulders. I couldn't be happy, and what is having Adam if losing Ashley means leaving us miserable.

"We baked a cake," Fern murmurs. "You want some?"

I prop myself up on my elbow and turn to her confusedly. "We?" It's now that I remember that I heard another giggle in the living room when I bursted in here.