Blue

11

On my way.

Lloyd stood by the door with his car keys in his hand. I was about to go to Ariana's house, with the intention of apologizing and making things go back to normal between us.

Lloyd dropped me off at approximately 3:30, and I still wasn't even fully awake. I was still thinking about the questions I was asking myself last night. I came to the conclusion that I was just tired. No one is themselves when they're tired, right?

I knocked on the door hesitantly. I waited only a few seconds before the dog started barking. Ariana came to the door and started pushing the German Shepard aside as she let me in.

"Caine! Calm down!" She yelled.

Once she calmed the dog down, she turned to me and smiled.
"I was just making lunch. Come on, I'll make you something." Ariana said, leading me to the kitchen.

Mel was sitting at the dining room table, reading a book on Buddhism at the table while Aaron sat next to her, looking at his phone.

Aaron glanced up at me and waved. Ariana dug through the fridge, pulling out a few salad ingredients and a bowl before turning to me.

"Do you want a sandwich? Leftover pizza? You decide." She said.

I shook my head.
"I'm fine."

"No no no!" Mel said, standing up and walking go the kitchen before putting her book on the counter. "Why don't you have some leftover pizza? It's homemade, completely."

"It's really good." Ariana said, smiling.

I shrugged. "Why not?"

Ariana and I ate in the living room while watching Home Alone, which is apparently Ariana's favorite movie. Which was fine with me. It was one of my favorites, too.

When the movie was over, we went up to her room. There, we sat on her bed. I figured it was a good time to do what I came here for.

"So...Ariana.." I said.

She looked up.
"Yeah?"

I sighed. "I'm really sorry about last night. I threw myself at you and it was horrible and I feel so bad. So yeah. I'm really sorry for what I did, and I get it if you don't want to hang out anymore."

Ariana smiled and put her hand on my shoulder.
"Landen, you don't have to apologize. It was kind of weird but there's no reason to feel bad. I got over it, didn't I?"

I didn't say anything. She put her hand on my chin and turned it toward her.

"Why did you do it, though?" She asked, her green eyes piercing through me.

I looked down at my hands.
"Are you sure you want to know?"

Ariana nodded.

"You're going to think I'm...so weird."

She put her hands on top of my hands in an effort to get me to stop playing with them.

"Throw it at me."

I looked around my room. I was about to completely ruin my chances with her.

"I think I was..trying to prove I wasn't g-gay.." I heard myself studder.

She gave me a confused look.
"Landen..." she started to say. "Have people been saying you're gay?"

I shook my head.
"Not physically. But I know they're thinking it."

I put my head down. I knew I was about to start crying. Who knows why. I was such a big baby.

Ariana shifted. "Do...do you think you're gay?" She asked after a long hesitation.

I shook my head. Probably too quickly to have her convinced that I wasn't. That's when she tilted my head up and looked me in they eyes. She gave me this looked. It looked like sympathy. What was there to sympathize? I wasn't gay. I knew I wasn't.

I saw her lips form a small smile, and then it happened.
She kissed me. Or, we kissed. Or, whatever you want to say it.

Either way, we had a heated kiss. I felt the tears go away. I put my hands on her back. She cupped my face with her hands. I felt her tongue work its way into my mouth. Oh fuck. Was it really happening?

She leaned back, pulling me down on top of her. She started unbuttoning my pants. She eventually unzipped them, and started pulling them off.

As we both got undressed, I couldn't help but have a sinking feeling. Something about this didn't feel right. Did everyone get that feeling right before sex? Did it eventually go away?

Soon, neither of us had any clothes on. Things were getting really heated. I was scared. Before long there would be no turning back.

So when I was about to start pushing in, I realized what I was doing. I couldn't do this. I just couldn't.

I moved away.
"Ariana, I can't do this." I said.

She sat up, her chest exposed.
"Are you sure?" She asked.

I nodded. I looked away.
"I think I'm going to go home."

Ariana started handing me my clothes, and started putting on her own. When we were both fully dressed, she walked me down the stairs and to the front porch.

"Landen?" She asked as soon as she shut the door.

I looked at her and cocked an eyebrow.

"Is it something I did?" She looked sad. It honestly made me sad. The way I quickly pushed away probably made her think it was her fault.

I put my hand on her shoulder and shook my head. I decided it would be a decent time to hug her.

"I just don't think I'm ready." I said.

Yeah. Maybe that was it.

I decided to leave Lloyd alone and just walk home. On the way there, I started thinking.

What was wrong with me? I just had a chance to lose my virginity, to a really pretty girl, and I rejected it at the last minute. Maybe I was getting to my own head. Maybe this whole "am I gay" thing fucked me up and has me pushing myself too hard to prove that I wasn't. Maybe I'm not ready to lose my virginity and that's why I couldn't bring myself to fuck Ariana.

After all, there was no way I was gay.

But Lloyd, there's no telling.