Chubby Not Fat

Chapter 3: Why

      Why. Definition: For what purpose or reason. I'm pretty sure this word is used way too often but, at the same time, it isn't used enough. This word reminds us of things we regret never asking. I asked myself everyday: why is this happening to me? Why are they so mean to me? Why? I'd spent so many sleepless nights crying.

      When you're bullied, it destroys you slowly, it affects you greatly. The worst part is that physical bullying isn't as bad for me as verbal. The pain goes away from injuries, but verbal repeats in your head. Like demons, you want them to stop but they don't. You try to distract yourself but you drown in self dought. 

      You try to love yourself but it's hard when a wave of people make you feel like trash. You try not to give in, to numb the pain, but slowly you break. Because that's what bullying does. I remember being a happy little girl that was outgoing and wouldn't shut up. Now all I do is stay quiet, I don't want to be noticed, I'm scarred. I live in fear.

      So slowly but steadily I give in to my demons. I look in the mirror and all I see is the ugliest creature ever created. I don't try to look pretty anymore, I know I'm ugly. I want to feel confident in my body, but I just can't. All this fat...this freaking fat! So why can't I be strong? Why do I feel like I have to be skinny to feel beautiful?

     I look in the mirror and my demons speak. Who have I become? Because I don't recognize this person nor do I want to. I thought things were getting better, I thought I was getting better. But there is only so much joy someone can have with only one friend. Am I the only one who feels this way? Because if someone feels as horrible as I do, surely they wouldn't just stand and watch right?

      Wrong! Honestly I wish people would understand, but no one can truly understand this in less they have been through it. I wish people would understand that I feel so ashamed of my chubby arms because I learned it on instinct. I wish they would know how ugly I feel because of my stretch marks. Or how I'll never be able to see my feet looking straight down.

      I wish people understood how horrible it felt when even your family won't accept you for being chubby. And how hard a diet can actually be, so many good foods, so many calories. Or going to the fitting rooms and disappointing yourself, kicking yourself to the ground about how ugly you are. The days at school kept going, and life went on. I could see myself getting worse.

      "You're pretty heavy for a 8 year old," said my father as he looked at me disappointed. I knew that look, I'd seen it a million times. You'd think I'd learn by now," And it seems you are still having behavior issues at school. Why is that?". I stayed quiet for a bit. If I stayed quiet about what was happening at school a while longer I was going to explode. "Papa, the kids at school pick on me...a lot...it's been happening for a while and...".I stopped I couldn't hold it any londer.

         I began to cry. For the hitting, the name calling, the teachers, Marco, the demons, my family, everything came crashing down hard on me. Words couldn't describe my feelings in that moment, but I felt relieved. Like the whole word was lifted from my shoulders, like for one second I felt like everything was going to be okay. But then I remembered, not far behind was my demon waiting for me.