The Teenage Guide To Loneliness [Book 2 in the Teenage Guide Series]

Chapter 21: Uninvited

Carter wasn't sure how she got upstairs. Had she been floating? Had anyone even talked to her? Did someone push her? Maybe she had passed out at the front door and someone had actually carried her all the way to Kiran's room. Her mind was so foggy and trembling that she couldn't decide on a means. All she knew was that she was now standing in front of his closed door. Waiting. Breathing heavy. Wondering what on earth she was going to say to him.

She had been so consumed with her own pathetic life, with her own limited expectations of those around her, that she hadn't once stopped to consider why Kiran had changed so drastically. Her cluelessness and self-obsession had concluded that it was all because of her. After reminding herself that no one's world revolved around her, she offered a knock. She then held her breath and wished this was just a sad daydream and she'd snap back to a happier time.

But there was no answer.

Another knock.

Another second of silence.

She pressed her ear against the door and heard movement. There someone definitely in there. "Kiran? It's Carter. Can I come in?"

No response.

What should I do? Probably give him some space. Now is no time to force yourself into his life, Carter. "If... if you need anything, I'm here. I can get your homework for you for however long you need me to, or get take-out from that Chinese restaurant you really like. I'll leave you alone but if you think of anything, at any time, let me know. " She turned to walk away, but heard the door open and faced it again.

There he stood, his eyes strangely out of focus, his hair a tragic mess, and he looked as if he hadn't showered or shaved in days. He didn't say anything to her, but moved aside and motioned for her to come into his room, which was just as unkempt as he appeared. Clothes all over the floor, a dead plant on his nightstand, food wrappers lining the foot of his bed, several empty beer bottles under a desk.

"Kiran, I'm so sorry." She wanted to hug him, but didn't know if he would take it well. So she opted to fiddle with her fingers and remain near the exit. That's when her eyes fell on the space beside the dead plant. There was a tiny small black straw on top of some residual white powder. She pointed it to it, "Were... were you...?"

"I'm not in the mood for a lecture from you. If you're going to stay then close the door and don't judge." He plopped himself down on his bed, laid down, and closed his eyes.

This was on a whole other dimension of heartbreaking. How had she missed all of this? Kiran had been distant and confusing for a while - how had no one noticed? Then again, he didn't have any other friends to pick up on any signs of drug use or depression. Not even Seth was really his friend. Would she be breaking any rule if she called Tala and asked for advice? Or was she supposed to not react at all? Once again, she had to recollect the fact that none of this was about her. There was nothing she could do - or say - to change that. So she took his request for its surface value, closed the door, sat herself down at the foot of his bed, and stayed quiet.

Time passed as slowly as a glacier moving through the cold, shivering waters of dejection. Carter's attention kept drifting back to the remnants of cocaine, and the possibility that there was something severely wrong with Kiran. Was it really depression? If so, how long had she suffered from it? She began looking up signs of depression on her phone. What if it was so deeply rooted into his personality now that it was too late? Did his parents know? Had they noticed anything while he was in New York, or had it started afterwards? Don't be stupid. If his parents knew they wouldn't have sent him back here alone.

"You still here?" he said softly while looking at her through half-closed eyes.

"Yeah. Do you need me to get you anything?"

"Maybe another beer."

"Oh... I... "

"Remember what I said, Carter? No lectures?"

"I wasn't going to do that."

"Good. Then get yourself one too. We'll have a drink together."

As she made her way downstairs, past the grieving family and friends, and into the kitchen, she realized she had no idea who Kiran was anymore. Or at least, she didn't recognize this version of him. But did she have a right to be overly worried and angry? Or would that be completely selfish? She had to give him time - this was his way of grieving. Everyone grieved differently. Where some would cry, or would need comfort and surround themselves with loved ones, others disappeared into their own world, and preferred to be alone.

When she stepped back into Kiran's room and saw him sitting up, waiting for her, she noticed there were tears in her eyes. She blinked them back as fast as she could. Maybe you shouldn't be handing him a beer, Carter. You should slap some sense into him. Come on, slap him. He needs it. No. What if that makes everything worse? She gave him his beer and sat down next to him.

"No one said anything to you?" He asked as he pulled out an opener.

"No. I just walked in and took these from the fridge. No one noticed."

"Yeah, they're too busy pretending to give a shit about Adya."

"I'm sure they do care."

"Then where were they when I was alone for months? Why didn't any of them ask me about her before? They can all afford to fly out to New York, so why didn't any of them go visit her? She was only there for, what, six months?" He took a lazy sip of his beer and gave Carter a contemptuous glare, "And where were you?"

"What? I was always here."

"No you weren't. You were so obsessed with yourself, not letting stupid shit go, that you didn't once stop to think there could be something really wrong here."

The tears she had furiously blinked back were making their way out again, and this time she couldn't stop them. Don't get angry. He doesn't mean it. Don't get angry. Don't get angry. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. She's dead and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

Carter let her gaze fall to her lap. She could feel herself losing control. She could feel the tears pushing out of her eyes, her chin trembling, and her throat aching with a broken heart. She bit her lip to keep herself from crying out loud. She then placed a shaky hand on Kiran's shoulder, "I... I'm here now, if it means anything."

"You're not drinking your beer."

One minute fuming, the next totally calm. Carter didn't know when Kiran would fume again, and she didn't want to say anything that might aggravate the moment, so she did as he asked and drank a bit of the beer. "Think you might come back to school?"

"What for?"

"To graduate?"

"What's the point?"

"I don't know. To start your life? What are you gonna do instead?"

"You don't need to graduate to start your life. I'm going to get out of this shithole. Go wherever and however far I need to go to not feel like this anymore."

This was an area Carter was not familiar with at all. Like walking through a strange land filled with distorted images, she tried to make it more clear. But the more she looked at him - at his strained face, his unfocused eyes and his overall crestfallen presence - the more she realized she really couldn't help. "Think you'll ever come back?"

"Only to see you." It appeared slowly but surely - a softening of his expression. He leaned in and let his lips rest against hers. It wasn't strong or avid, but the passion was as alive as always. For what might have been a second, everything seemed to disappear. It was him and her against the world, a world that was so far away that it could not even exist. How could she be so angry with him, yet totally and completely in love with him at the same time? How was that fair? She didn't want to stop kissing him, because if she did, the brooding ice and the pain of everything would come flooding back. He would be rude, she would be selfish. She'd ask him to stay, he'd say something awful back.

In the sorrow - in the death of someone close, the depression and the loneliness - between the cocaine and the beer, and every nasty thing in between, Carter felt her heart rip in two. She knew that as soon as this moment was over, they'd be over too. For good.