The Teenage Guide To Loneliness [Book 2 in the Teenage Guide Series]

Chapter 4: Another Lonely Night

Loneliness was never really something Carter thought about before. She had her family. She had her friends. Whenever she would feel broken or dejected, she had someone to call. Even if it was only for a few minutes, just enough for them to tell her that everything would be okay.

But lately it was as if she was unconditionally alone, and she had no idea how to handle it.

So the idea of meeting someone new was both exciting and terrifying. What if this Sawyer character was using her? What if he was setting her up only to humiliate her later? Stop it, don't be paranoid. Just because you used Aiden doesn't mean every guy who talks to you has some ulterior motive. Maybe he's nice.

She was so consumed with her thoughts that, when she rounded a corner, she smacked right into someone. The books she was carrying flew out of her arms and scattered around her. She stepped back, frustrated, and realized the offender was Leigh, and she was alone. 

"Carter, I'm so sorry," she said as she darted to the floor and began picking up Carter's books. 

It was the longest thing Leigh had said to her since the end of last semester. Would it be weird to start crying right then and there? To tell Leigh how much she missed her? To ask for them to go back, rewind, pause at the moment before Carter decided to unfold a world of 'popularity' chaos, and start again? Though instead all she said was, "It's okay, no worries."

"So, how is everything?" Leigh asked as she handed Carter's books back to her.

"Fine. Totally great. Amazing."

"That's good to hear. I'm glad you're doing well." Was there a hint of  superiority in Leigh's tone, or was it only Carter's imagination?

Ask her to hang out. Ask her to come over and try on clothes, marathon Friends, give each other manicures. "Yeah, very well. I'm reading To Kill A Mockingbird for the millionth time, for English Lit. And I ran into Seth Sebastian, you remember him, right? Kiran's friend from their band? He goes here now. Oh, and I met this new guy-"

"I hate to interrupt, but I was actually on my way to meet Aiden and the girls. But maybe one day we can meet up for tea?" Leigh began walking backwards, gave Carter a sad little smile, then disappeared around a corner before Carter could even respond.

Since when does she drink tea? Since when does she call Georgie and Elena 'the girls'?  Carter rolled her eyes and let out a defeated breath. Annoyed. Sad. The usual adjectives. 

The rest of the day went by like a silent film. Carter saw lips move, but no sound seemed to come out. Nothing directed at her anyway. It was like she was drifting through many scenes, as random as an unimportant shadow, while other characters acted everything out. Maybe tomorrow she would try to break the silence, talk to people, step outside of her sad little world, so that no one else could give her a sad little smile.

Maybe she could even find new friends. Ones that didn't care about popularity or parties or gossip. 

As she walked out of Newton High that afternoon, ending earlier than usual since she had a spare last period, she promised herself that this year she would focus on her studies. This year she would spend all of her energy on what's important, getting into a good college, keeping her head low and making it through everything unscathed. She didn't even want to let that Sawyer character distract her. Her only other option was to wallow and melt away, but she was done feeling sorry for herself. 

Though just as she crossed a street and spotted her house, her phone sprang to life. 

Why is it that whenever I decide something, some other thing has to happen at that moment to ruin it? Does the universe hate me? Is there some giant force watching me, playing jokes on me, then laughing?

There wasn't anything she wanted to talk to Kiran Jones about. And what was it he could possibly say, to take back his treatment of her over the summer? She knew that his sister was in a very bad situation, but he could've talked to her about it, instead of throwing her into a pit of regret and shame.

They used to talk about everything, so she couldn't accept any excuse he had now. 

She blocked his number on her phone, then stuffed it back into her bag. If she was going to start fresh, she couldn't let anyone suck her back into the past. 

***

There are moments in your life where your strength is tested. Whether that strength is mental or physical, it's often a defining moment. For Tala, such a moment happened over the summer. She was sitting at a fancy little table, outside an adorable cafe in Florence, when it presented itself. Pathetic and yet inviting. Like it was testing her every fiber of her being. 

Kiran, the brooding recluse that Carter had obsessed over last year, had sent Tala a text. A simple hello. Tala had assumed there were two reasons for this; one, he wanted to ask her about Carter, possibly wonder how she's doing, if she had mentioned him, if she wanted him back. The usual teen angst. Two, it was a singular, non-meaning greeting. No more or less than what the word itself was. 

After all, what was that saying? Sometimes a cigar was just a cigar?

Either way, was it smart to respond?

Though in her detachment from her surroundings, Tala gave in. And the 'hello' evolved into a long, insightful conversation. Not about Carter. Not even about Newton. But about life and school and family. It went on for hours, days, weeks of lighthearted interest and compelling, worldly discussions. After a while she had completely forgotten to ask why he had sent her that text in the first place.

She liked having someone to talk to whenever she felt that familiar sense of loneliness creeping in.

But then a week before her time in Italy was over, the resentment started. The guilt and hatred of herself for somehow betraying Carter. After all, who talks like this to a friend's ex? It wasn't like Tala and Kiran had been close before. Just the opposite, they hadn't spoken more than five words to each other. If she was ever going to return to Newton, see Carter again, try to be a friend, she knew she had to end it.

So she did.

Maybe she should've asked him why he hadn't contacted Carter at all, but the moment had come and gone, and now it was too late. So instead she decided to pretend like it never happened. That Kiran had never talked to her, that he hadn't made it seem like he was interested in her. It would only make matters worse if she didn't let it go.

Maybe she could walk into Newton High tomorrow and start over with Carter. They could be friends, study together, prepare for college together, and finally grow up.