13 Reasons why // The 14th Reason

// 18 //

"You're going to tell me this one's no big deal, at least, most of you will. Let me tell you about being lonely. Humans are a social species. We rely on connections to survive. Even the most basic social interactions help to keep us alive. Statistics prove the subjective feeling of loneliness can improve the likelihood of premature death by 26%. If it sounds like I'm quoting from a school textbook... I am. Too bad nobody bothered to read it. And let me tell you, there's all kinds of ways to feel lonely.
*          *          *
I groaned as I rolled out of bed. My mom was downstairs calling my name.
"Mel, you need to get up for school. You don't want to be late."
"I'll be down in a minute!" I called as I walked into the shower, splashed myself awake and then dressed hurriedly. I rushed down the stairs and was scarfing down some toast when the doorbell rang. I watched as Mom left the kitchen to answer the door and came back moments later with Clay Jensen.
"Oh, hey, Clay. I'll just be a sec." I grabbed my bag off the chair and gave my mom a quick hug before following Clay out the door.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I shrugged on my coat.
"I thought I could walk to School with you. I have this." He took out the cassette player and I nodded with a sigh.
"Ok."
*         *         *
I'm not talking the garden variety, lonely in a crowd lonely. That's everyone, everyday. And it's not that, 'when will I find love' kind of lonely. Or that, 'The popular kids are mean to me' kind of lonely. The popular kids are always mean. That's how they get popular. I know. Ironic. Old news. The kind of lonely I'm talking about is when you feel like you've got nothing left. Nothing. And no one. Like you're drowning. And no one to throw you a line.
*         *         *
I was walking along the corridor consumed in listening to the tape when suddenly my headphones were ripped out of my ears.
"Ow." I complained but Clay had already raced up the hall. I saw a girl, standing at the locker next to mine. Hannah's locker. She was struggling to get into it and I assumed she was new. I was too far away to hear what Clay was saying but after a minute he opened the locker for her and headed to his own.
I walked to my locker and smiled at the shy girl.
"I saw you abusing yourvlocker a second ago. You good?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. They're really difficult to open."
"There's a trick." I nodded before looking over my shoulder at Clay. The girl then walked over to him.
"Thank you."
"What did you just say?" Clay asked increduously, shaking his head.
"I said thanks for helping me. That was really nice."
"Oh sure."
"Which way is the science wing?" She asked.
"Uh, out those doors. Take a left." The girl smiled and walked away as I headed across the hall to Clay, somewhat huffily taking back my headphones. He shrugged apologetically and I nodded.
*           *           *
Well, when the subject of this tape worked his sneaky magic... That's how I was feeling. And when you're that kind of lonely, you reach for anything... No natter how silly it may seem. And communications class could be extremely silly. As you know.
*         *         *
The memories came back to me during history as Hannah described a certain communications lesson.
One girl, Sophia, I think her name was, opened up to us about being fat shamed and one of the idiots in our class said that she should go on a diet.
"Seriously Pratters?" Hannah asked, exasperatedly as we shared an eyeroll. "Jesus!"
"I'm just saying all right, if you're getting fat shamed then, you know, don't be fat."
"Mr Pratters." The teacher warned.
"Pratters, that's like someone saying to you, 'Don't be an idiot and a dickwad.' Can't help it." Zach added.
"Exactly, thank you." Pratters said.
"Totally not on your side, dude." He frowned. Hannah laughed quietly and he smiled at her. When she turned around to face me I raised an eyebrow, subtly reminding her that Zach and I were in a rough patch and weren't talking at the moment. She nodded understandingly. Sisters before misters.
Before we left the classroom Mrs Bradley reminded us about the.compliment bags.
I followed Hannah over to hers and watched as she took out a slip of paper. Then Zach walked over and started talking to her. I pointedly looked away.
"Did you get anything?" Hannah asked.
"Nada. From no one." I felt his gaze on me. "Kind of soul crushing you know." I bit my lip as he walked out of the classroom, feeling the guilt building up in me as Hannah stared accusingly at me.
"Look what you've done."
"Shut up." I laughed.
*          *          *
Sometimes the silly things can mean more than anyone knows. We all need it. Human contact. And communications class, crazy as it was, was human contact for me. Until someone in that class cut my lifeline. Someone who is known for being sweet. I'll tell you who it is... but you're going to have to wait. Just like I did.
I'm going to play mind games with you, just like you played with me.
It happened after Valentine's day. When you really feel that lack of.human contact. Especially when you make contact with the wrong human. That's a whole new level of lonely. But through it all, you still want to believe there are good guys in the world. You were kind that night. You just sat there, letting me ignore you. Until it was almost comical. You were so sweet. Just like Kat said, once upon a time. So sweet. Now, before I say who this person is, I want to warn you, there's more than one person that this tape is going to hurt. And I don't know if I can honestly say I'm sorry. Welcome to your tape, Zach.