13 Reasons why // The 14th Reason

// 10 //

I walked down the stairs in my pyjamas, rubbing my eyes tiredly with a yawn. I stopped at the bottom as I noticed my mother rushing around.
"Mum, what are you...?" I sighed before shaking my head and walking past her into the kitchen. She followed and poured me cereal and a drink.
"Come in, eat up. I'm going into school with you today."
I choked on my orange juice and looked up at her with wide eyes.
"W-what? Why?"
"This list. I need to find out what Hannah's life was like at school. You know, sometimes she would skip around the house singing showtunes and other times she would be so moody."
I nodded quietly, Hannah did go through some mood changes but I supposed I never noticed too much. I was usually busy in my own world. I was also the one who would lift her out of her moods.
I downed my orange juice as I rushed upstairs and my eyes started to prickle. I got into the shower and let the warm water slip over my body, washing away my worries.
*          *            *
You've heard of the butterfly effect right? That if a butterfly flaps it's wings at just the right time in just the right place, it can cause a hurricane, thousands of miles away. It's chaos theory. It's about how a tiny change in a big system can affect everything.
Chaos theory. Sounds dramatic but it's not. Ask a mathmetician. Or better yet, ask someone who's been in a hurricane.
*          *          *
"Zach!" I called, running across the courtyard. He turned around expectantly and I crashed into him.
He raised an eyebrow as his friends chuckled.
"What's up, Babe?" He asked, looking down at me.
"You would think, of all the times that Miss Mills looks up in her classes, that it would be when I'm actually paying attention."
I complained.
"You got detention for sleeping in class again?" I nodded with a sullen look.
"I wasn't even sleeping!" I protested. "Just, you know, resting my eyeballs." I grinned up at him and he laughed, causing his chest to rumble as I hugged him.
He looked slightly confused about why I was so happy, as did the rest of the group. I suppose it was because I'd pushed the tapes to the back of my mind. I hadn't seen Clay over the weekend.
Unfortunately it seemed that my blissful moment of happiness was over as Clay walked into the courtyard with Marcus. He was watching Alex as he stormed away from his band. Of course. Alex was the next tape.
I waved goodbye to Zach and his group of friends as they started being idiots, shoving and pushing each other around. Zach waved over his shoulder before being distracted by Justin.
"Hey Clay. Alex." I greeted, sitting on the round table next to him. Alex was on his oer side.
"Is Hannah telling the truth?" Clay asked. Alex looked down at the tape and then at me. He frowned.
"D-D you know about this?" Alex asked. I nodded silently and he gave a shocked laugh.
"That's not - You're not..." He stopped and took a deep breath, shaking his head.
"God, just... Don't let your boyfriend and his buddies know that."
"What? Why not?" I asked.
"Trust me." Alex said, before standing from the table.
"See ya." 
I stared after him, my mind whirring as I thought over what he said.
"Let's just listen to the tape," I sighed, holding out my hand for Clay to give me my headphones.
*         *          *
Alex, we hadn't talked since you and Jessica got together. And then, it seemed like maybe you might, not be together, anymore.
*          *           *
I yawned as I looked up at the clock, class was dragging on and the minute hand ticked by agonisingly slow. I felt a small nudge at my forearm and looked down. The guy in the seat next to me had passed me a note. I looked down and opened it, recognising Clay's scrawl, which was actually surprisingly neat. I looked up and smiled at him, noticing that he'd drawn a little bunny. I knew about the bunnies that Hannah used to recieve, once upon a time, and I knew who they were from. Unfirtunately it seemed Hannah was clueless but she raved about them and how sweet they were. I read the message, it asked if I wanted to meet up later at Monet's. I quickly wrote a reply and handed it back to the guy to pass it to Clay.
I heard a male cough behind me and I sighed, knowing who it would be. I ignored the stare I could feel on the back of my head but I whippd round when I felt a scrunched up ball of paper hit my head. I raised an eyebrow at Zach as he looked between me and Clay. I shook my head reassuringly but he looked unconvinced. Alex's words from that morning rang through my head as I turned back to the board.
Suddenly the bell rang and I scooped up my bag, rushing out into the hallway and towards my locker. I had just opened it when I felt a prescence next to me. I turned quickly but sighed when I realised it was only Clay.
"Hey." He greeted. I nodded and followed his gaze. He was looking at the memorial that had been set up in Hannah's honour. I took one look at it and shook my head.
"Hannah thought roses were cliche."
"Yo Jensen!" I turned around as Zach's voice called through the hall.
"Can I help you with anything?" He asked, wrapping an arm round my shoulder and closing my locker as he pulled me to him.
"No, I was, uh, just going." Clay shrugged awkwardly.
'Meet me later.' I mouthed as he walked down the hall and turned left, out of sight.
"What are you doing Zach?" I asked. He turned me around so that my back was against the locker and he was stood in front of me.
"You and Clay hang out a lot now, huh." He stated, his hands resting on my hips.
"Yeah, he's a great guy." I nodded.
"Not as great as me though, right?" I laughed quietly.
"Seriously Zach. You're jealous?" I asked with a smile, looking into his eyes as his face came closer to mine.
"Well, you're mine." He said, placing his forehead against mine. My breathing echoed in the small space that he had created and Zach smirked.
"I think everyone knows that." I breathed.
"Mm, I don't know. Maybe we should show 'em."
He placed his lips on mine, pushing me back into the lockers slightly, still gripping my hips as I wrapped my arms around his neck. His lips pressed against mine and his tonge slid over my bottom lip. I granted him entrance and our tongues collided.
We seperated and I took in a deep breath, trying to steady my breathing, as he buried his head in my neck, breathing deeply also as he hugged me tightly to his chest.
"Let's go."
He offered me his hand, standing up straight, smiling at my flushed cheeks. He poked my face and I swatted his hand away before walking next to him and interlinking our fingers.
*          *          *
Alex, maybe you think I'm being silly. But you didn't walk that hall. You didn't feel those eyes on you. You've never heard those whispers.
*          *          *
I remembered the list. I was on the list. Best legs, courtesy of some random perv I guess. It irked me. I didn't want some label put on me but it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. Hannah had it worse. She scoffed when she read it. Best Ass:
Hannah Baker.
Worst Ass:
Jessica Davis.
It was just an idiot tryin to ruin a friendship. Turns out that idiot was Alex.
*         *          *
You think I'm taking it all way too seriously. But here's the thing, you've never been a girl.
*          *          *
"How many espressos are in there?" Clay asked as he and Alex sat at the table in Monet's.
"A lot." Alex confessed.
"I just started drinking coffee. I'm not sure it's such a good idea. I get anxiety." Clay shrugged.
"Me too." Alex nodded.
I was sitting quietly across from Alex, sipping my hot chcolate.
"Did you do it?" Clay asked after a minute or two of awkward silence. "Did you put Hannah and Jessica on that list?"
"You didn't know that? But you saw it."
"I didn't think it was that big a deal."
"Clay..." I sighed, placing down my mug on the table. Alex looked up at me nervously. It was the first time he'd looked me in the eye since entering Monet's.
"I think it all started the night of Jessica's party. "
"What did she say about Jessica's party?" Clay asked. Alex frowned confusedly at him.
"Where are you in the tapes?" He asked.
"Almost through yours." I piped in.
"Holy shit. I mean... I listened to them all in one night the first time."
"You listened more than once?" I asked.
"Twice. Thought I'd dreamt the whole thing."
"You haven't heard your own tapes?" We shook our heads and I looked way, out of the glass window onto the street, still finding it hard to think that I'm on the tapes. That I was one of the reasons my sister killed herself.
"Why are you even friends with those guys?" Clay asked as I zoned back into the conversation.
"Justin, Zach, Bryce."
"No, see, I'm not friends with Bryce. But the other guys, Zach and I got to be friends last year and he's always hanging around Justin. My dad was relieved that I had male friends. Also, didn't totally suck at school that Justin Foley liked me back then."
"Back then?" I asked.
"Why are you still friends with him now?" Clay questioned.
"Because, if I stop hanging out they're goin to know something's up. I shouldn't even be talking to you."
"Seriously? I mean, you shouldn't even be on there. I mean, you meant it as a compliment." Clay said.
"No. No." Alex said, shaking his head sadly. "I meant it to piss Jessica off. Because she wouldn't have sex with me. I wanted to you know. I-I loved her."
"Well you pissed her off alright." I mumbled. "Jessica freaked out, Alex."
"I-I know. I took away her best friend. And who knows, maybe..."
"It's okay man." Clay consoled him but Alex shook his head.
"No, it's not. You want it to be okay because then you get off the hook but you're losing your shit. You want to think whatever you did, couldn't be the reason Hannah killed herself. But the truth is I did. I killed Hannah Baker. And Justin killed Hannah Baker. And Jessica. And you guys. We all killed Hannah Baker." Alex sat back in his chair breathing deeply as I felt the tears invading my eyes.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this." I protested, standing up quickly and practically running out of the door. I turned left and began heading home but I saw my mum walking towards me. With Tony. I gasped and turned on my heel, deciding to take the long way home.
*         *          *
You want evidence Alex? You want storm clouds and thunder? The Blue Spot liquor store... Where butterfly met hurricane. The Blue Spot was a block and a half away fom my first house here. And I went there whenever I desperately needed chocolate, which was, like, most days of the week.
It seems like nothing. Until the hurricane hits. Because when you put my name on that list you put a target on my... Well it wasn't just my ass. You made it open season on Hannah Baker.
*          *          *
I got home and dumped my bag in the corner of the hall, slipping off my shoes. Before I could head upstairs to my room as I always did my mum called from the living room.
"Sweetie?"
"Hey mum." I smiled, walking into the room. She looked so tired and had obviously been crying recently.
"Why don't you come and watch a movie with me? You're Dad's closing up early so we can all eat together."
She smiled weakly up at me and as much as I just wanted to brush her off, I wasn't feeling prticularly sociable at the moment, I forced myself to nod.
"I'd love that. Let me just change." I said quickly, racing up the stairs to the safety of my room.