Nobody Was There. | Dear Evan Hansen | Tree bros

panic attacks and skipping school

September 7, 2017

Evan was cornered.

He knew it the moment he woke up in that hospital bed. That was the first time he had tried to do anything like that and he couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't like anyone was really there for him to talk to in the first place, but if anyone knew they wouldn't understand and it would only make things worse.

Going to school a week after was the one thing he dreaded most. Yeah, it had been a week, but he still felt worse than ever before. Still, he could handle it. He had dealt with everything else, so this wasn't any different.

So he went to school and pretended everything was okay, like always, but he could already tell it wasn't okay the moment he walked in. He walked and noticed everyone was staring at him. Something was wrong. No one ever noticed he existed so what changed?

At that moment, Evan had never felt more uncomfortable in his life. He wasn't sure how he managed to do it, but he just kept walking and acted like he didn't notice anything. When Evan got to his locker, he heard his (family) friend, Jared call his name to his left.

He turned around and awkwardly waved, which he ended up regretting because who waves to someone who's right next to them? He expected Jared to make fun of him for it but he said nothing about it. He instead asked a question awkwardly.

"Hey, people are spreading rumors about you trying to kill yourself... Is that true?", He asked hesitantly. Evan was speechless.

He stood there trying to find words but only making weird noises before running away from the conversation. He ran to the bathroom, grateful it was empty and hid in a stall. Evan couldn't believe it.

His worst fear had finally come true. Everyone saw his worst parts now. Evan had broken his own rules for life and stood out in the worst way possible.

He felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was suffocating in public humiliation. Then suddenly- "Hey!" That voice. Evan could recognize it.

Was Connor Murphy really going after him and acknowledging his existence again? Evan heard footsteps approach the stall he was hiding in. He felt an awkward tension which he really did not need right now.

"Are you okay?", He heard a surprisingly calm voice say. He went through his bag with shaky hands and took out his anxiety medication. Evan tried his best to not make any noise as he took out way more pills than what was needed to calm his anxiety.

He wondered if it would be a good idea to take them all and end the rest of his future anxiety for good. He put the pills back in their container instead and heard shuffling from the other side of the stall door. Evan looked through the space between the stalls and immediately made awkward eye contact with the other boy who now was sitting in front of the stall. Both were startled and ended up looking away.

Staring once again at the black box containing his anxiety medication, Evan heard Connor speak once again. "If you're thinking about overdosing at least consider the fact that this is kind of what started this mess.", He muttered. Evan sat there for a second, considering the previous statement before finally speaking.

"So, were you the one who told everyone what happened?" He spoke so quietly that he wasn't quite sure Connor had heard him.

The long-haired boy responded right away and said, "No way dude! People may hate me but I'm not an asshole! Now, how about we get out of here and skip the rest of the day? We can get ice cream and go buy useless things at the mall if you want. Don't worry, I'll pay for it."

Evan didn't understand why Connor was being so nice to him. He knew he shouldn't go around trusting people right away. He had learned that over time, but it had been so long since someone even pretended to care about him. Evan stood up, got out of the stall and said, "Okay."