Her Journey, My Struggle

Day 26-27

Sorry for this being so late, well later than usual but I had my psychological evaluation done today. I'll have the results by Friday so we'll see what happens then.

Today is a different kind of day. I wouldn't know if it would be appropriate to call it special or not. It is by all means unique in that regard.

Today marks exactly a month since I was first admitted to the hospital. I had no idea any of this was going to happen. My plans in the hours before were that I was ready to die and that I wasn't going to ever open my eyes on this side ever again. 

That's what I wanted then. I seemed very determined and I have the scars that serve as a symbol for that determination. Yet, life has never seemed to go in my favor and that night was no different.

I can't remember a lot of the first few hours of what has become my new normal. I don't remember the franticness of the situation. I don't remember being in the ICU. I don't remember seeing someone else's blood being pumped in me to help save my life, after stitches and glue became a new temporary accessory for my arms.

It never crossed my mind when I finally became coherent that I would be plagued with question after question. I didn't think that anyone would bring up my weight then. I simply didn't think it was a problem. I thought I was still fat and I still saw myself as that girl in the tight leotard, crying, hoping that I could reverse what self hatred did to me.

I was never prepared for all that has happened, from having three feeding tubes, to being told I was almost placed in hospice care, to the doctors telling me I will not be able to eat well on my own, to the hard hitting realization that my life would never be the same.

I took so much for granted before this all has happened. I thought that I didn't even have a problem. This whole experience has served as a slap in the face given by reality. 

I have regrets. I regret that no help came sooner. I regret that I hid everything so well. I regret the lies. I regret the hours I spent researching the caloric content in foods, when I could have been enjoying the life I had. I could've been enjoying life outside of the four walls I sit confined in.

I know I have at least two more months here. I know that this is my new normal, and yes, I hate every second of it, but I know that it's taught me that not all of life is bad. It's taught me to see the good in other people, to see the love that my parents have had for me all along. It's taught me the importance of savoring every moment you're living, and it's taught me the moment you fear you are slipping that it's okay to reach for help.

I also want to tell you all that have sent me messages, have voted on this book, sent loving comments, thank you for all your support. I know that it has helped me so much. I know that the love you all send will help me make it to December 21. I love you guys all so so much.

"One thing I can tell you is you got to be free..."- The Beatles, Come Together