Her Journey, My Struggle

Day 4-6

I'm alive. I'm sorry for scaring anyone. 

Sunday was rough. I didn't eat that day. I couldn't make myself, I didn't have the motivation to do so. I was depressed. I didn't talk to my psychiatrist. I just sat in my bed looking at my lap, picking away at my fingers. 

Sunday night was when things get worse. I decided that in the middle of the night I was going to turn off the pump that works my feeding tube, and the one for my IV. I figured out how to after watching the nurses over the past few days. I did it while my mom was sleeping, right after my last blood draw, and about 20 minutes after my last vitals check. I figured I had about 2-3 hours before anyone came in and noticed.

I then went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I never did it before, but I did Sunday and I wasn't going to stop until I couldn't get anything else up. I did before anyone noticed, before my mom woke up and before the nurses realized I was not hooked up to the heart monitor for a while. 

Yet, I puked up blood. Even though I saw the blood, I wasn't going to stop. I then found myself passed out with nurses surrounding me. My blood pressure dropped again and my heart rate got faster and faster. It got up to 182 beats per minute, then they gave me some medication to lower it. 

My electrolyte levels dropped again because of the throwing up. Potassium levels were at 2.3. I had to get this gross oral liquid potassium that was so salty it burned and then I was back on the IV. They had to put in a new feeding tube since I physically threw mine up out of my stomach. I was exhausted and didn't even try to object to any of the treatments. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.

Monday I had to get an endoscopy to see if I damaged my esophagus when I was throwing up since I threw up blood. It hurt afterwards even though I was asleep during then. I have a small tear near the end of my esophagus and I haven't ate since Saturday. They increased the amount of food I'm getting through my tube and put me on a glucose IV as well.

They don't know if they'll have to repair the tear. Right now, they're hoping it fixes itself so they don't have to do surgery since my weight is still so low. I hurt a lot, but it's all my fault. They are talking about inserting a different type of feeding tube as well, one that is directly in my stomach instead of the one that goes through my nose, down my throat to my stomach.

I was making good progress but I screwed it up. I hate myself even more with all I do. I'm destroying myself. 

Right now, I'm in more pain than ever and I'm exhausted both mentally and physically. I'm sorry for ignoring any messages or anything. I haven't felt like it. I haven't felt like doing anything. 

Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a bone scan to see if I have osteoperous. I've done enough damage to myself, I don't want anything else to be permanent. I'm not fighting against the doctor's orders anymore. I'm going to let them do it all. I'm tired. I don't have control anymore and I don't think I'll ever be able to get it back, but I really don't care at this point. I just want my life back. I want to be as normal as I possibly can and soon. There's more to life than just trying to lose weight and be thin. There's more to life than having a false sense of happiness. 

"There must be some way out of here..."- Bob Dylan, All Along the Watchtower