Her Journey, My Struggle

Day 23

I'm tired of facing these set backs. I don't think I'm meant to recover. Everytime that it seems like I can do it, something happens and throws everything off.

I ate my soup last night. A full normal human serving. As I said before, I had tried to eat and it just made me hurt so bad. However, I wasn't prepared for what happened after I ate the soup. The pain I felt was like no other. I sobbed and it just hit me so suddenly. Then, I ended up throwing up. I couldn't stop. 

When it seemed like I stopped, they immediately took blood to test my electrolyte levels and in about 30 minutes I was once again hooked up to that freaking potassium drip and so much fluids. The nurses and doctors asked me questions. I ended up telling them about the pain I felt earlier that day while eating. They asked my mom if she saw me try to make me throw up. They told me they'd just monitor my vitals while my care team would discuss what happened. They told me they probably wouldn't have answer any time soon with it being as late as it was.

Not long after that, I'll admit. I got hungry and I attempted to drink one of the meal replacement shake things I had in my room. I thought I would be fine and so did my mom since liquids hadn't really been bothering me. I was wrong. The pain hadn't went completely away and it got worse and worse and I ended up throwing up again. 

My nurses seemed to be in and out of my room checking on me. I was giving an anti nausea medication called Zofran or something like that. One of my doctors ordered for an endoscopy in the morning to look at my escopegaus. Everything was fine there. 

My care team wanted to meet and talk about everything. My doctor said that what caused the throwing up the night before was my body rejecting the food. He said that he's seen two other ED patients in his career that had developed Cystic Vomiting Syndrome after restricting food for so long and it's where you just have attacks where you vomit and a lot of different things can trigger them. 

This led him to say that if it continues to happen, which he predicts, my goals that they wanted me to reach before I was discharged would change. One of the goals was to be eating on my own completely, no feeding tube at all and discharge weight between 115-120. Now, they say that they want my vitals and blood levels to be normal and to be at least 108 lbs. I will most likely go home with the feeding tube and tomorrow they're going to start teaching my mom and I how to do my own feedings. 

They said with the CVS, I will probably never go back to my starting weight that I was before this all happened, that I will practically end up purging up everything I eat, involuntarily. They want to try to stop the attacks from happening so I don't screw up my teeth and escouphegus once again. However, they've noticed that I haven't had much of a problem with the food that goes through my food. I have as well. Unless I grow out of this, I'll end up with tube for probably the rest of my life and going to the doctor's every so often to receive IV infusions of the electrolytes I expel from my body. 

My psychiatrist told me that she will be willing to work with me when I get released on outpatient because she does not think that any residential facilities will take a high risk case like me.

I'm sorry this was nothing but a bunch of medical bull crap but I have nothing really to say. I feel like I'm losing all my control again. I've cried a lot. I thought I'd have a life to live, but I won't.

"I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone..."- Kansas, Dust In the Wind