Trapped by Emotions

Bad Memories

When someone is sitting in his chair and he gives himself up to his thoughts, all sorts of things can come up to your mind. I used to do that quite a lot, mostly in my bed before going to sleep, I find it really extraordinary. Unfortunately, most of my thoughts were covered by problems, they were bad thoughts and I felt like a psychic, almost everything that I was thinking about, usually really happened, well at least at that times. However, of course there was always space for my beloved Rosalie and some of the people that were still part of my life, at least in some aspect - I was in a close relationship only with Rosalie, I lost the faith in everybody else, but I guess there is always someone and there are always people that you have to give a chance, when one disappoints you, doesn't mean that everybody else will, although there is always a possibility of course. I became more closer with my colleagues at the college and my work colleagues, they are actually really good people, I never thought that I will get to like them as much as I did at that time, it is fascinating how your first impression is actually quite wrong if you think about it a little more, you must get in a deeper relation with someone if you wish to know who they really are and what kind of person someone is, you cannot judge someone by your first impression. Furthermore, people can change, but nobody can change completely, just like the local saying says:

«Wolf changes hair, but never the character.»

What and who am I alluding to is actually Ronald and the events that happened a short time after he married Lorry. I wanted to share that event because it is funny how the problems simply follow one another. It was as if I had been cursed by someone or something. I couldn't believe what kind of people I had for friends, I even started to consider myself as a bad person, that I really deserved everything I got.

First it was Trixie and all of her doing, although it was Rosalie's fault, I never believed Trixie, nor did I consider her as my «loyal» friend, I even hated her in some way, but I was pretending that she was good, I really tried to like her, but she was full of negative energy that I simply felt, I don't know how, and neither do I know why.

Second it was Tom, who really seemed nice and loyal as a friend, I really considered him a friend, but he is simply a guy that doesn't know how to lead a conversation, education and verbal skills are equal to zero, everything is physical for him, moreover, he is a fool, a fool blinded by love, he can turn a friend into an enemy in a matter of a second, in a blink of an eye, which characterises a man that doesn't know the real values of friendship, nor forgiveness, but regarding love, he would forgive everything regarding love, he and Trixie broke up 30 times metaphorically speaking, although I am not far away from the truth and they always forgave each other, which apparently wasn't so regarding my case with him. When someone looks closely to the reason why Tom and I got into a fight in the first place, one can actually see that it could have been resolved by a simple conversation, not by insulting each other and accusing, which he started of course as I was complaining to his behaviour and finally, it led to a physical showdown, which was once again started by himself. That guy is really complicated.

On the third place we have Freddy. Freddy just started to avoid me, he never fights directly with someone, he just starts to avoid that someone, it is in fact a smarter decision since he isn't really a fighter, but I was his friend longer, we knew each other since we were children and I was always kind to him, I was the one who even introduced him to that whole company and then he just leaves without a single word, but on the other side believes Tom's and Trixie's lies, I wonder how he would feel if he ever finds out that it was a lie they told him. As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I'm in a fight with Freddie. What a friend eh?

Then came the deceased, Ian and Marty. They were just equals when we speak about their problems with me. One could easily figure that those two were related, although they weren't completely the same. Ian was very overweening, grouchy, self-confident type of person, he was full of himself and always considered that he was right about whatever someone was talking about. One might easily say that he was a real bastard, nevertheless, he was really educated and all that, but to be such a grouch is just wrong and it does not surprise me that we were in a fight, nor do I care. On the other side, Marty was more female than male, he was educated, liked to read, go to shopping, trying on the perfumes, clothes, he was interested in fashion, cosmetics, politics and he was always and I mean always talking in company, he didn't know how to shut up, but when someone talks about sport, gym, training, video games, then he knows nothing, typical female. I never considered him as some kind of a friend, but he disappointed Rosalie very very much. However, they are both dead and the dead shouldn't be dishonored, although it's neither mine, nor anyone's fault, the God has decided their destiny and he is its only amenable master.

Finally, we come to Ronald and his Lorry, I already said that those two married last month and we were at their ceremony and so on. Well, as I got into a fight with most of the company I was going out with, except of course, the usual gang, Harry, Tony and Percy, but then again, it was just getting boring, doing the same thing every time, so I wasn't going out with them very much and I know that Percy wasn't going out so much either. I was just hanging out with Rosalie and going on coffees with Ronald and Lorry. They became our best friends in some way (they weren't our best friends, but our only company). It's not that I say this because I am not good with Ronald anymore, but it is really true and I always considered that it is the truth and that is that Ronald is really stupid, he is really dumb. First of all, he is a man ten years older than myself and he was going out with us at that park, with us teenagers and drinking like some kind of a fool that has no life, he was going out there alone and even though I always considered him funny and nice, which he really is, but he is very stupid and uneducated, everyone can see that he maybe never finished the high school and it is a very questionable matter, he changed when he got married, he changed a lot regarding the personality, he was still ok with me and Lorry was also in good relations with me and she also liked Rosalie very much, but Ronald like he was before, he still was communicative, funny, but he started to fight a lot, he started somehow acting a cool guy, like I am married and you are just in a relationship, I have a wife, I am cool and stuff like that. Furthermore, many of his stories from the past were very suspicious, it is true that I was always suspecting that those were all lies, but now that he married, it all came to light that all of his stories are lies and as a matter of fact, quite unnecessary lies. Ronald was a pathological liar, many people who are pathological liars are people that passed through a lot of hard times in life, but still, why would they lie to a person that they called a brother and a best friend, I just couldn't understand that, I tried to help Ronald a lot of times, I even convinced him to confess and that we can solve everything together, but it was all waste of time, arguing would start and it would go on and on. He was completely disrupted and I would say mentally ill, literally a thirty year old child and I just couldn't hang out with someone like that, I was even slightly ashamed of it, plus the fact that he was constantly arguing with me. He was also quite double-minded, when we were still friends, he used to praise me, he said he thought all the best about me and when we were arguing he was saying only the bad things, for example, he was always at my side regarding the problems with Tom and Trixie and when we were arguing, he would say that Tom and Trixie were right about me, that is a pure example of a stupid man. Although his wife seemed normal, she was always at his side, but I guess it is only love that keeps her with him and nothing else. She is trapped by emotions, poor woman... I even heard that she was pregnant, I have a friend who lives near Ronald's house, they are basically neighbours and he told me that he heard that Lorry is pregnant the other morning when I was returning from the gym. I only thought how poor that child will be with Ronald as a father.

I guess I am really cursed, there is no normal friendship in this world and every friend has some serious flaws, but I guess you have to live with that and you must always remember to be careful with your enemies, but even more careful with your friends. My friends were like: one is mentally ill, other is a fool in love that spreads the lies and others are traitors who believe in them and my true friends are the ones who fell under the alcohol and the bottle is their only love. However, I can't blame them, I was just like them, before I entered a relationship and started to act seriously about it, I was also part of them, my only love was my beer bottle and alcohol was my best friend. Girls were for losers, but I changed, those things and that kind of beliefs are wrong, that is not what life is all about (I still drink now and then, but in normal way). Sometimes, people have to decide what they seriously want to do with their lives. People who choose THAT way end as if they had chosen a suicide, but it's still not too late for Harry and Tony, they can still find luck in this world, sooner or later. I don't know if I should laugh or cry...