fix you || A.I.

chapter thirty-seven

December 29, 2017.

As I walk into the campus, the day I've been hoping would disappear from the calender, I saw a few people looking at me.

It was weird. Today my story would get out. My story will get told to so many people and I will be the one telling it. I have been trying to get out of this in many ways but I never got to sending the email or text to ask it.

I don't think my walk from the parking lot to the building has ever lasted this long. I was already being late and would make it just in time while they expected me to be atleast 10minutes early.

When I walked inside the huge room it was already fully filled with teachers, people from other universities and my friends. I could see the Hemmings sitting in the back aswell. They all gave me a thumbs up when I saw them looking at me.

They don't know about the videos I'm about to show. They have no clue at all.

I walked to the front and greeted the head professor.

"I really thought you weren't going to show up." He said with a small smile

"I didn't expect I would show up to be honest." I said with a laugh. I put down my backpack and took the papers and my laptop.

I quickly connected my laptop to the screen behind me before sitting back down.

My professor stood up and made everyone go silent as he stood infront of the room.

I took in a deep breath as I listened to him talk, I saw his mouth move but not one word registered in my mind.

When he was done he looked at me with a smile and I stood up. I was moving but I wasn't sure how. My mind went numb and I had no clue what to do.

I stood infront of the room and faced all the people. I was frozen. I looked down at my laptop to see the picture of my mom in the corner. I took a deep breath before putting on my smile.

"I'm not sure why they decided to ask me here." I said as I looked around, "I start my thesis with 'therapists don't work.' so I think you can understand my confusement as to why I am here to explain my psychology thesis." I said with a laugh. The faces infront of me laughed aswell.

I was about to start when the door upstairs opened. I looked up and there he was. Ashton was standing in the door opening before quickly sitting down.

"So when I asked why they wanted me here, they told me 'your vision is new and unique.' so I think I have some explaining to do. My vision isn't new. It's not unique either. It's the vision of someon who went deep into depression, struggled with eating disorders, anxiety and many more. Because this, was me." I said as I showed the same picture I showed Ashton a while ago. I couldn't hear a single voice in the room anymore. "I strongly believe that you can not tell someone you understand, if you didn't went through it. With saying that, I don't mean you have to undergo everything I went through. And the things your patient went through. But don't tell them you understand. Tell them you want to understand them. Get them to talk, let them yell and let them cry. But don't start saying you understand."

"But that's not what my actual thesis was about, I'm not going to talk about my own depression. I'm going to talk about someone I loved a lot but lost. When I was younger, I wanted to become a doctor. So I always asked my mother if she had any pain. I started recording those things so I could watch them again later. Except I didn't expect I would find out that she was depressed. Which leads to ending everything at the end of the video series. I kept these videos for myself for years. But I want to share them. I wanted to share what I discovered and I mostly want to help families to see these signs earlier. I hope to be able to give my knowledge to families who have a depressed son, sibling, daughter or parent." I took in a deep breath before looking for Ashton's face.

"It's hard to get actual videos of a depressed person who is about to kill herself. It's hard to get those videos to be honest. But when I filmed my mom and I, she showed me every single sign she could have given. I was young and had no clue what she was talking about so I didn't know that back then. But I want people to know what they have to pay attention to. So after writing about why a therapists doesn't work, I started writing about her. I wrote about the signs and how to recognise them. But I didn't write it for people who call themself therapists. I wrote it for families who have no clue. For people who think they have a friend that needs them. So I would like to present you my video. And I hope you can all learn something from it." I smiled at the crowd before opening the video on my laptop. As I was about to press play, I found the Hemmings.

They had no clue.

I sat down again when the video started and my professor placed his hand on my shoulder. "You did great." I looked at him with a smile before looking back infront of me.

I watched the way her lips move, the dark spots on her sleeves and the bags under her eyes. I watched the way her voice got softer and her eyes became dull. I watched the tears that rolled down her cheecks when she told me her mind and heart hurted. I listened to her voice and ignored my own voice that was talking through it.

I stayed silent when the video ended. I didn't stand up when everyone else did. I could hear everyone around me clapping.

I only moved when my professor pushed me out the chair. The picture on the screen made me start walking. I looked happy and so did she.

"Thank you for your attention." I said with a small smile before closing my laptop. A few people walked up to me to say a quick 'congrats' or 'you're strong'. I just kept going with the short 'thank you' answer untill a specific man stood infront of me.

"Hi, I'm James Thericks. I publish books in America. If you would be interested in publishing your story, make sure to contact me. It doesn't needs to be a guideline like the one you just told, I'm interested in your story. The things you went through and how you're doing now. I really hope to hear from you." He said as he handed me his card.

"Thank you" I said a bit confused. I put his card in my pocket before looking back infront of me.

"Why did you never tell us?" Liz said as she hugged me tightly. She had been crying. I could see it.

"I knew how much they hurted me, I didn't think you would want to see them." I said softly as I hugged her back.

"Is this why we got all those presents for christmas?" Ben asked from beside me.

"I knew things would change once you saw this." I said before looking at him.

"You shouldn't have kept this for yourself. I don't think I can imagine how much it has hurted you. Did anyone know?"

"My professors are the only ones who have seen it." I said before looking at Ashton. "And Ashton knew they existed and that I had to show them today."