Say You Won't Let Go

Broken Eyes

"Lauren, can you at least answer a question for me?" I ask, sighing.

"Anything for you." Lauren murmurs so quietly, I barely catch it. She gave me confirmation so here goes nothing...

"Are you gay?" I inquire, my voice shaky at first.

Inside, I want her to be. Something inside of me wants Lauren to like girls. I want her to be gay, but I don't know why. I can't like her, that's crazy. But maybe, just maybe, my heart wants her to look at me like girls look at boys. Or maybe how boys look at girls.

I've only known her for a week, but I can't help my wandering thoughts. There is no way she could have the same thoughts, but there is, for sure, no way she could if she isn't gay.

"No, Camila, I'm not gay." Lauren says bitterly, making my heart crumple when she doesn't call me Camz.

"O-okay," I stutter, feeling disappointed. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I definitely wasn't expecting the venom in her words. "That's fine."

Lauren takes a deep breath, shutting her eyes when she exhales it.

"There is nothing wrong with being gay, I just wanted to know. You're my friend no matter what, okay? No matter if you're straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, anything queer. You could be a cactus for all I care! Just know that you mean a lot to—"

"Can we stop talking about it?" Lauren snaps, running her fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, of course. I just wanted you to know—"

"No, Camila. I don't need to know how much I mean to you. I don't want lies." Lauren hugs herself, sighing.

"What? No, I—"

"I don't have to mean anything to anyone. I've learned that enough. I've been told that enough." Lauren whispers weakly. The clouds start to trickle rain.

"I'm not lying. Lauren, you mean a lot to me." I assure her, going to place my hand on her shoulder but she jerks away from me.

"That's what they used to say until they saw what I am!" Lauren yells, whipping her head toward me and gazing into my eyes. Her eyes are shattered, I can see it clearly now. She is shattered.

"Lau—"

"I have to go." Lauren grumbles, ripping her eyes from me and sprinting down the sidewalk. She disappears around the corner.

I stand there alone in the rain, feeling my clothes and skin drench. I don't know what just happened. I stare at the corner she ran around, leaving me here.

Why did she get so angry? Who has been lying to her? I truly care for her, maybe more than I should.

I guess she said the truth. I sigh, turning around and slowly walking back to my house. The angry clouds swirl in the sky, letting out their sorrow onto the world. My hair is wet now, making me cold.

I hang my head down the whole time I walk, nothing worthy of my gaze as I stroll home. The scene with Lauren replays in my head.

Now that I'm going over what happened, I realize when Lauren looked at me, in her shattered emeralds, I saw fear. Her body started trembling like at lunch when I asked her about her sexuality.

If she is straight, then why is she worried about it? Is she afraid of rumors being spread about her? I get that. Rumors are awful. Maybe she is gay and she doesn't want to be outed. I get that, too. That's why I haven't told anyone how I feel toward the female gender.

But she said numerous times today that she wasn't homosexual. She couldn't have lied that many times. Right? If someone were to ask me if I was gay that may times, I couldn't lie that much. Or maybe I could and it would break me.

I kick a rock as I walk, immediately feeling bad for causing harm to the stone.

There is really nothing I can do about the situation. I feel like Lauren is upset with me right now and I don't want to push it. If I lose Lauren, I don't know what I'll do. She truly makes me happy

Of course, Dinah, Ally, and Normani all do, too. But Lauren does in a different way. Lauren makes my heart jump and flutter randomly while Dinah, Normani, and Ally make me smile and laugh. Lauren can do that too, but Normani, Ally, and Dinah can't make my heart melt.

I really thought I had gotten through Lauren's walls. We talk and text about everything all the time but I guess certain people are really good at guarding their walls. But I must have gotten through something to be able to dance with her in paradise. How many layers of wall does she have?

The rain has picked up, battering down on my back and head. I'm soaked to the bone now, but I will not pick up my pace. I'm too blue for that.

Dad will be worried but I'll talk to him and then he will be fine. He has a soft spot for me, I've learned.

I just really want to crawl upstairs and curl up in my bed after taking a shower. But I have homework and stuff to do before I can do that. I need to share my thoughts with someone. I've bottled up my emotions before.

I'll never do it again.

Maybe that's what is wrong with Lauren. She just needs to let out her feelings to someone. But Dinah did say that her and Lauren talk about everything all the time. But so do Lauren and I and I don't have any clue about what just happened. I get that they are closer but she doesn't have to hide.

Perhaps I'll call or text Dinah later. That sounds good. I feel at home with my friends.

Speaking of my friends, I haven't heard from Noah in what seems like forever. Once I forgot to call him, he hasn't texted me since. Maybe he really does hate me now. Wouldn't be the first.

I just really want to shed some light on this situation. But maybe that's why I can't figure anything out. Lauren doesn't want any light, just the dark so no one can see what is really going on.

That can't be healthy.

She keeps bring up 'they'. Who is 'they'? First, she said that 'they' would never let her forget and now she says that 'they' used to care for her until 'they' saw who she really is.

I just want to know. I've never wanted to know this much about someone before and it's tearing me apart. Why can't this be like a fairytale? I can be the prince and slay all her dragons and let her out free.

But she doesn't want me near her dragons. Her dragons protect her from the world and the awful people in it. Not everyone is awful. Her dragons need to see that.

She needs to see that.

I can show her that.

But Lauren doesn't seem like the person to lie. Her walls are built high but I'll climb up them if I have to. So if she says she is straight, she is straight.

Now my heart just needs to take the hint.

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A/N: hallo! How are you today? I hope well, you deserve the best. I know this book has been being updated almost everyday but don't expect that when school starts. I'll be busier in the school season. I'm starting high school on August 30th. I'm going to be a freshman! I don't know if I should be scared or excited.

Anyway, if you enjoyed this chapter, please star it. Thank you so much and have an extraordinary day! I love you!! :)

~StrangeBlob

(P.s: has anyone noticed that "extraordinary" means anything but ordinary/remarkable and unusual. But it's spelt EXTRA ORDINARY. And extra ordinary would mean something or someone is more ordinary than the normal person. So doesn't that just mean the word is useless? Ugh, my brain hurts. No one ever listens to me when I tell them this!)