Fallout [The 100]

34

I didn't realize how exhausted I was until my head hit the pillow. I'd been pushing myself in training. The faster I improved, the faster I could get back out in the field. I was going stir crazy in this tower. Not to mention, I was completely useless to everyone from up here. I drifted off, thoughts of training and field missions fading into quiet murmurs.

A shout startled me and I sat up quickly. I scanned the room before realizing the shout must have come from me. It didn't feel like I'd even slept, but the dead quiet outside let me know it must be the middle of the night. The nightmare came back in fragments, but it wasn't hard to fill in the blanks. I'd had the same dream at least a hundred times.

My door burst open. I nearly shrieked again before my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Roan stood in the doorway, sword in hand. "Maia, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, it was a nightmare," I admitted sheepishly. I put my hand over my face embarrassed. "Did I wake you up all the way downstairs?"

He lowered his sword; pacified that no one was trying to kill me. "I was in the throne room."

"Roan, it's the middle of the night," I reprimanded, nightmare momentarily forgotten. "Echo said you were barely sleeping."

"There's too much to worry about." I motioned for him to take a seat on the couch, as he didn't appear to be going to bed any time soon. "If I take a moment to rest, everything is going to come crashing down."

"I know the feeling," I sympathized. "But, not sleeping isn't going to help. You need rest to gain your strength back. Not to mention, exhaustion and good decisions don't exactly go hand in hand."

He raised an eyebrow. "Abby is rubbing off on you."

I shrugged. "You're welcome to sleep on my couch, as long as you promise to actually get some rest. If anything happens, Echo can find you right here."

Roan stretched out, kicking his feet up on the armrest. "I was right about this couch, it is comfortable." I lay back down even though I knew I wasn't getting anymore sleep tonight. Without Bellamy to calm me, it was hopeless.

"What happened in your nightmare?" Roan asked, as if sensing my restlessness. I pushed myself back up into a sitting position, so I could see him over the foot of my bed.

"It's always the same thing every time. I'm always back in Mount Weather. They locked us in the dormitory and we had to fight back. But, there was nothing we could do, nothing I could do. They took people; some of them didn't come back. I've never felt so helpless in my whole life. Some of them were just kids, they were counting on me."

I was quiet for a moment before I continued. "In my nightmare I have to save someone, and I never can. Sometimes it's people who weren't even there, like Raven or Bellamy. Someone I'm worried about, or I don't know, feel responsible for. It's like I'm moving in slow motion, seeing what's about to happen but helpless to stop it." I shook my head and sighed. "I thought they'd stopped, I hadn't had one in so long. Being away from my people, the weight is sort of off my shoulders, you know? But tonight..." I trailed off, looking out the window.

"Who did you have to save tonight?"

"You," I whispered.

Roan sat up slowly, trying to hide his surprise. I shrugged. "You feel responsible for keeping the coalition together," he assumed.

"Yeah, sure, but that's not all of it," I admitted. "You aren't just a means to an end, at least not anymore. I don't want any more blood on my hands. I can't save everyone, but that doesn't mean I can't try. That's why I've been training so hard. I need to get out there, I need to help."