Case Closed (Hariana | H.S & A.G)

Part 7: Another Door Opens

Ariana's POV

"Good morning" I say with a faint smile to the doorman of my apartment building as I head out the door. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable, I haven't left my apartment in a little over a week and I'm sure the doormen has noticed. I mean they don't stand there all day, they work different shifts but I'm paranoid that they've collectively talked about me and how none of them have seen me walk by. If that's the case, I'm sure they have questions, but all I can do is just walk on by as if everything's completely normal. My face has finally healed which is such a strange concept to think about but I guess it's now my reality.

I don't know where I'm going, I just wanted to get some fresh air and walk around. Being trapped in my apartment felt as though I was mentally trapped as well, so hopefully this will be a chance for me to clear my mind. Not to mention the fact that my apartment is practically destroyed, I mean I ruined a bunch of stuff and had bags and bags of garbage to throw down the chute, which again if anyone from my apartment caught notice from a camera in my hallway or something would probably raise their suspicions. Everything else from my couch to my bed is almost unbearable to touch because I know Ricky has touched it too. It's gotten so bad that I watch TV on the ground and have fallen asleep on the floor on top of some clean bed sheets and blankets. It vaguely reminds me of the fort Harry and I have made several times while we were dating, I still remember that time he stayed with me after my mom past and made a fort for me to sleep in since I didn't want to go to bed. These past couple nights I've intentionally made sure my bed/fort concoction didn't resemble his because I don't want to think about him and our relationship either. I mean it doesn't make me want to throw our any memories of him from things he's touched to even my skin like Ricky but it still hurts, I'm still in pain.

It kinda sucks to admit it but I think that I have to. I have to accept the fact that I'm feeling the way that I do even if I don't want to, even if they want something that's impossible. The reason I want to come to terms with my feelings is so I can just move on with my life. Before Harry. I never had a boyfriend and since him, I've been so quick to jump into a new relationship. I thought I was making an exception dating him but now it's like I need a boyfriend and I don't. At the same time I won't shame myself if and when I get a new boyfriend, it can happen in five years, it can happen next week, I just have to be okay with being in a relationship or being by myself and I think that comes with loving yourself. Loving yourself, it sounds like such an easy concept, I had such a good grasp on it in the past but lately I feel like it has totally disappeared, or at least I'm holding on by just a thread.

I'm not against the idea of dating and I'm not against the idea of jumping back in or just staying away. I just want to be with someone who will respect me and listen, all Ricky did was make me laugh and I'm stupid for letting him in. But at the same time I don't think it matters as much if they love me as long as I love me, and if I can do that then I shouldn't be able to lose myself, I shouldn't have to hold back. Thankfully I have a lot of time on my hands with no job related priorities, so I can just be myself and figure things out. I think I'm stronger and wiser than I was in the past and I'm so thankful, having first hand experience is painful but it's a lesson with a message I refuse to ignore.

"Oh my gosh Ariana!" I hear someone yell as they grab my arm almost twisting it so I can turn around and I instantly flinch and pull it away "oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you I just got really excited, I just landed in New York today and I'm a huge fan, I never thought I'd get to meet you and I just got ahead of myself, I'm really sorry" I see a young, kinda lanky boy say. I can see in his eyes that he's embarrassed and extremely apologetic and I try to do my best to smile. I didn't mean to flinch, I guess I've developed some reaction to what happened, which makes sense but right now I just have to 'walk it off' and be polite.