Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

Is This How It's Supposed To Feel?

Sunday

I ended up going to church today, much to my mother's suspicion. I wouldn't normally go to church after such a busy week unless it was a special celebration such as Easter or Christmas but today I went because I was almost guilted into it by Father Joe. On Friday he suggested that we should 'talk'. A suggestion I dutifully nodded at but had no intention of following up on, but then yesterday, at Finn's party he followed up with a, 'come to mass, it would be great to see you in church, God would love to see you in church'! He said that as he cornered me after I shot that kid at the laser quest place so I kind of felt like I might night a priest and God on my side at that point, so I went.

My Mum wondered why I was there too. She loves me going to mass but she knows I am not a regular and I usually arrange to go with her, but not today because it was last minute when I properly decided I needed to go, was obliged to, plus Father Joe had said he could pop round if I'd rather, well the truth is that no, I don't want him to pop round and be unable to walk away when I am ready.

So, I went to church and my Mum scowled at me with suspicion and then doubt when I suggested I was there simply to thank God for the life and family I have been blessed with. I am grateful for those things, but my Mum was right to be suspicious because I can be very grateful at home in my pyjamas whilst cleaning my house and cooking lunch. If I had stuck to gratitude at home I would have also avoided taking communion because that forced me to make full eye contact with Father Joe, and him to do the same and his eyes on me, looking into mine, looking through me is the worst thing, because he knows, because he sees me, all of me.

I am at least back home now, and alone. We have had lunch and Paul has taken Finn and the dog down to the park. My older children have both gone to friend's homes for the afternoon leaving me, in an old but comfy pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, minus a bra sitting in front of the TV with my diaries. I considered popping over to Gemma's, pre bra removal, but decided a little solitude would benefit me more. I toy with the idea of pursuing Steven's friend request and immediately think it might be better to simply delete it, but I can't quite bring myself to do it so I find and old diary instead and open it up...

Victoria's Diary aged 16

I'm not sure how I should feel now. Today was the day where we got to explore Paris alone, well in groups, that was the agreement. Steven and I went off with a couple of his friends and then we went off on our own and found the place he'd found before we left home. It's a hotel and we have a room. I have no idea how much it cost but I suppose it doesn't matter...Steven sorted it all. The room is nice, it's not posh, not really, but is better than anywhere I have ever stayed. We decided that we couldn't risk getting caught by any of the teachers so wouldn't be able to sneak around at the hotel, hostel place where we're staying with school, plus the rooms are all shared with friends and Melissa Matthews for me so there is no way I could go sneaking around because she would surely have told on us and the last thing I need is to get in trouble with school for having sex, for Melissa to know and that's even before we get home and I have to face my parents, so that's why we are in a hotel room, in a bed in a hotel room in Paris.

I don't know if I am supposed to feel different, but I don't, not really. It hurt a bit when we first did it, but then it wasn't painful and felt nice. I'm not sure if it's supposed to feel like that. When I've seen people do it in films or on TV they seem to be more, I dunno, excited about it all and I once burst into my brother's room and there were lots of people doing it on his TV and they were all shouting and screaming until he swore at seeing me and turned it off quick, so I'm not sure if we did it right. Steven said it was great, that he loved it and wanted to do it again, with me, I don't really know though, I mean I will because, well because and it felt nice, but I thought it would feel nicer.

My eyes are really tired and I would really like to go to sleep, especially as this is the first time that Steven and I have cuddled naked in a bed, I really, really like that feeling and wish we could do it for longer, but we probably need to get back into the centre of Paris so we can meet up at the coach at the right time.

Something is digging in my back...oh my, it is Steven and he seems ready again...is that even normal, is he supposed to do that, am I allowed to? I wish Gemma was on the trip, she would know if these things were supposed to be happening and other than her I have nobody to ask.

Victoria's Diary aged 35 and a Half

I am laughing, loud enough to startle the dog when I close my diary and remember my first time and my own confusion and lack of understanding. It was another five or six times before I properly understood why those women on my brother's porn film made all that noise! My laughter stops as I remember that time, the final time I found the pleasure and release of sex with Steven, when it had all come crashing down.

My mind needs distracting from that and in order to do so I think about Paul and how he always made sure I was sexually satisfied, maybe because he was older than me, more experienced or maybe because when we had first had sex I had no expectations from it...I really was unfair to him from the start, it's like he was always playing catch up and he never was, not really, or at least he shouldn't have been.

I need to respond to Steven, maybe even to catch up on each other's lives, but my life is good, with my husband who I love, my husband I had sex with last night and this morning, well it is Sunday after all! My husband who I am now planning on having sex with tonight because he deserves and more than that, I want to, hell, I might even try some of those dirty things he likes and I am going to try them without a couple of glasses of wine first! I am laughing again as I think of my teenage self's shock at the male anatomy's ever ready state of arousal and shock at the erection jabbing in the behind and back, which is no longer a surprise every morning!

With my diaries closed I grab my phone and have just hit the Facebook icon on it when the door is knocked. I throw my diaries in my bag and assuming Finn has ridden his bike slightly ahead of Paul and Oscar I head for the door expecting to find a muddy and sweaty Finn on his bike, but I don't, instead I find someone else, someone bigger and someone who looks determined for me to talk, Father Joe.