An ordinary girl

chapter-26

"To understand love you need to understand pain and for pain, you need to love. Love unconditionally"

We need to hold on things that make us happy but sometimes its best to let it go not for others but for your ownself. I guess the same goes with memories too we can't hold on them forever, sometimes its best to forget them for a better and cherry life. When you're in love its quite necessary to forget what makes you sad. You need to let go of the memories that are hurting you in order to live peacefully with your partner. For years I have done that. I have buried all those memories that could possibly ruin my relation with Vansh somewhere deep but each time he hurts me the layers of the pain from past is removed. All those pain, hurt and suffering come back at once and then it takes all my will to not go after them. I tried my best to create new good memories with him but each time my efforts results in even more painful memories than before.

I never wanted to recall all those painful moments again but I guess in order to know that whether its love or not, I need to look back. I never questioned his love even after what he did but  now the doubts are high and I need answer. I need to know that whether it has been love for all these years or just an obsession. I need to know whether the care I had for him, all the sacrifices I did hold any value or not. All those times when he told me that he loved me were real or not? I need to know what actually it was and where I was wrong? I need to know that whether I really was wrong or it was his way of making me stay.

After all the pains I had stopped questioning him and even doubting him but now when I look back some memories make me question everything from the start. All those taunts and abuse make me weak now. There were times when I needed him the most but he wasn't with me, he would blame me and would taunt me for that and still the wounds are too fresh to heal. When I took admission in other course I needed to change the college and their I made many friends and some were guys too. I and Vansh were having some differences due to his drug addiction and he dominating nature. He would never listen to me no matter how hard I tried and then after sometimes I wasn't able to share anything with him because if I did it would result in a fight. Each time I wanted to share my problems and feelings with him he wasn't there and the suffocation which I felt was too strong and it was killing me. I needed to let it go and that's when I found a guy friend and initially it was normal random talks but soon I got little comfortable with him as a friend and I would share my problems with him. Vansh was still not there but when he realized that I have been talking to someone else he got so angry that he started tapping my calls and even again hacked me accounts. He met me and asked me that when did I got a new boyfriend and what I'm doing isn't right and he will make sure that I pay for it. I wasn't upset is an understatement, I was furious. He accused me but he didn't bothered to ask me what the matter was and why I did it. Again it was me who was blamed and it was me only who has to apologized. Even after that he kept tapping my calls and text.
Things were still fine as we were not on that much of talking terms and each time we would talk he just accused me and nothing else. It became a normal routine and one day I met with an accident while returning back from the college and he did came to the hopital and even he brought me back home and I felt ashamed of myself for treating him that way but after that he never called me on his own, he didn't bothered to ask me whether I was ok or not. One night I called him because the pain was unbearable and I needed to talk to him but what he did broked my heart to million pieces. He told me that I was suffering because I did wrong with him and this pain is even less for what I did and for my doings I needed even more severe pain and suffering. After that he never called me again and when I called he didn't answered it. That night was the most painful night where I wanted to die so that all the pain and heartache could go away all at once and even after that night he never called me and when he did he was normal. He never regreted his actions and his doings. He just kept on telling me that he wasn't there because someone else was with me but what he never understood was that the other person was there because he wasn't there at the first place and each time I called him while I was in pain, he ignored me and that's when I needed someone else to distract me.

He wasn't able to keep his promise of supporting me and standing with me in times of need. He left me when I needed him the most and when someone else tries to make me happy for a while he even blamed me for that. Now I realize that all he did was to blame me for my own mistakes and even for his. Even today when I'm remembering that night I'm feeling the same pain that I felt that very night and this makes me realize just one thing that this wasn't love, no it not at all was love.