An ordinary girl

chapter-9

"We don't miss the person but we actually miss the person we thought they were"

The suffocation was killing me and the the night was making it harder to skip the darkness. As I lay wide awake in my bed trying to control the tears which were flowing endlessly. The pain was there and so was the feeling of loneliness. How was I suppose to sleep when I wasn't able to calm my breath.

Sitting up I decided to write something or read something which would let all the pain go and all the loneliness vanish. That was the only way to make me feel good because I know I really can't talk to anyone right now. Vansh would never listen and after all he was the one who was responsible for the all pain and the sadness. Even if my love for him wanted me to call him and tell him everything, my self respect and the girl inside me was not permitting me to do so. How can I try to seek affection in the person who made me weak and made me depressed. I will never be able to do that and other than him I have Suhana but calling her so late would make her worry more and maybe right now I needed this alone time with my ownself. I just need to blow the steam and calm my breathing.

Walking to my table I sat on the chair and pulled my diary. Opening it I re-read all the poems I wrote once for the boy I have been madly in love with and thought he do know that I started writing just for him and all my emotions and feelings are just about him and for him and still how can he ever manage to hurt me so much and above all how can he question my love for him. I remember the time when we had a massive fight and it was due to the fact that he disrespeced me in front of his friend and that was enough to hurt me deeply and when I tried to tell him his mistake instead of apologizing he started making excuses. He told me "they are my friends, my trustworthy ones and and they won't mind it what I say or how I treat you. Why are you so worried about everything and why to fight without reason" that was his simple reply. But what he didn't understand is that his friends will only respect me if he will respect me properly in front of them. But till date he hasn't understood it.

Flipping through pages I recognized each and every poetry I ever wrote for him. Each and every line was meant to convey my love to him and writing for him was my way of telling him that how much I love him and how much he means to me. Even though when I look and realize the way he has hurted me and all the pain he has caused I still haven't stopped writing and I still write for him. But the thing is he has always doubted my love for him and has always made me feel as if I have been not good enough to prove my love to him. The thing is till the time I agree with him and accept all his decisions and never question his behaviour and action my love is justified but as soon as I ask him anything or try to tell him what his mistake was he considered my love as fake. He even once told me that "you have never loved me and that's why all you see is my mistakes and my love for you is always ignored."

But the point is I love him that's why I am willing to make him a better person and if I wouldn't have loved him how could I have been able to look past his mistakes. I guess what you do how much you care and how much you love will never matter. People will accept what they want to and will behave how they want to. Your feelimgs and emotions doesn't matter. And they will blame you because maybe that's there way of showing love. Now I really don't know what actual love means.
Ignoring each and every thought I picked my pen and started writing. I have no idea that what should I write but maybe writing what I feel will help the emptiness and will provide some calmness. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I remembered everything, every emotion and every pain. Opening my eyes I started writing whatever my heart wanted me to write and tell.

Heartache...

That emptiness..
Deep rooted loneliness,
The feeling of incompleteness..
And those stacks of broken promises.

The lost feeling of love
And the long lasting pain,
Those dieing vows,
And the long lost care.

Moments between living and dieing,
Thread connecting happiness and sadness,
Its about being strong when being broken inside.

As I wrote I felt the pressure decresing within my heart. Closing the diary I sat and smiled thinking that there was a time when I used to write about his love and now is the time when I am writting about the pains he has caused. Getting up I headed to my bed knowing that now I will be able to sleep as my heart was back to its normal beat indicating that I have achieved little peace.

All the quotes and the poems used are original and yes the images aren't mine. Enjoy. Like and let me know how you felt.