An ordinary girl

chapter-25

"You feel love till the time you ignore pain but the moment you start embracing the pain, love becomes a lost cause"

People think that pain goes hand in hand with love but no, its actually the regret that goes hand in hand with love. Regret is what makes you lose faith in yourself and pain is that emotion that shouldn't be felt that deeply when you are in love. When in love the emotion of love should be so strong that the pain becomes lesser. The deeper and real the love, the lesser the pain. Love does hurt us but not to the extend to break us apart and if it still does then something is wrong. The power that love holds no other emotion can posses. It has the ability to make you strong and it even has the ability to make you weak amd that's the thing we never realize it's true potential unless it shows it to us.

The pain cannot be seen but is felt too badly and it is only felt when we start focusing on it. Till the time you are lost in your love, the pain seems invisible but the very moment you start seeing the reality pain is the first thing that becomes visible to your eyes and heart. Sometimes even the person with whom you have been in love can make you see the pain because no one knows better than him to make you realize it. And I guess that's what has happened with me. The time when I was too high in his love has started coming to a stall and finally I have started seeing the truth which I was ignoring for too long. The pains that he gave me in the past were never a matter of concern for me but it did started mattering when he started doubting me for no reason and even started questioning my love. There was this time when I was at my house and wasn't able to reply to his text instantly, he thought that I was busy chatting with someone else and he started demanding answers and I told him the truth. I thought that he has believed me and I even told him that I won't be using any social media if that is what has worried him and he was ok with it. He started behaving normally and we started making plans to stay together for some days before I return back to the hostel. After the break when I left for the hostel I went to him first to stay with him for somedays. The days when we were together were great it was nothing more but fun. It consisted of eating, drinking and making love but on the last day on my stay when I have to return back to the hostel he again started accusing me of cheating on him and after lot of arguments he said that let's have sex as a patch up memory amd that hitted a nerve in me but still I did that for him. After I came to the hostel he again started the same thing that I'm cheating on him and he even went to the extend of hacking my accounts but there was nothing to prove me guilty because I wasn't cheating on him. Although he never apologized but still in the end I forgived him and was happy with him but somewhere inside my heart I knew that the love that I had for him is leaving and the respect is already gone.

I never questioned him on anything he did many sweet gestures too like sometimes he use to bring flowers and chocolates and used to suprise me with them but this love phase was short lived because soon he got indulged in drugs and no matter how hard I tried to stop him he wasn't ready to listen. Instead of getting away from it he started having more and more. The addiction only grew and the worst happened when he told me to do the same. Initially I refused it but then the emotional blackmail started that I don't love amd I don't trust him that's why I'm not listening to him and finally his stubbornness took over my respect and I gave in it. After the first time I thought that maybe now I won't have to take them but no I was again wrong and he started forcing me more telling me that increases your stamina but the thing which he never realized was that I was having with him and our sex life and I didn't needed any other source. After a while the love was gone and it was replaced by lust and each time we met it was the same thing. It became all about drugs and sex, no emotions and no love just his satisfaction.

I was even ready to do that but he was getting lost in the world of drugs and weeds and slowly I started feeling suffocated and I realized that I wasn't meant for this word. No matter how hard I tried to make him give up on the addiction, it was never enough and he would always find a way to go back to it. His addictions were not just impacting on his health but mine too. Finally I decided that I won't let him ruin my life in his addiction and I told him clearly about it but still there were timea when he used to force me and we would end up having a fight over it. Now this is what is hurting me the most,the fact that I loved him and did everything and especially I gave up my self respect for the man who has never valued it and yes this was my biggest mistake of being so madly in love that I wasn't able to respect my ownself.