Footprints on my Heart

Chapter 19 -- Balançoire

Balançoire(bah-lahn-swahr')

This is a 'see-saw' movement - meaning the body bends in the opposite direction to the leg as the leg goes forward and back.

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I had been dwelling on it, rehashing it over and over again, until finally realizing that I only felt this guilt because of how I was remembering it—because of the story I was telling myself and that self-loathing pity. I couldn't sleep that night.

Every time I try to, Travis face would appear in my mind, deliberately looming inside my head. The looked he gave me awhile ago haunted me to my sleep. I continued to feel this way because that is how I chose to interpret it. I sink into a well of sadness. The way he looked at me triggered the sadness and that sadness comes with no warning at all.

Why do I analyze everything? Why cant I just let things be? Let the chips fall where they may, let life work itself out? I always believe in that once I've have done everything I can, it is ok to let go with a calm heart and a clear conscience.

There is much truth to this—however, it is not an absolute. Problem is, I never believe I have done everything I can unless things turn out as I expect them to.

After several tosses and turns, I finally decided that I needed to free these thoughts. I walked out the door and thought to myself.... I need to walk. I put my headphones in and relaxed as a soothing breeze blew across my body as I sat on the longue chair.

I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes. As I lay down on the chair, enjoying the breeze across my warm back, I found that it was cathartic. And needing to do it more.... and more, I decided to take a dip

Long dark waves tumbled down my shoulders. The summer had just started and the weather was finally getting warm enough. I was surrounded by a blue dusk, soon the sun will be peeping behind the trees but he temperature was the same, It was dusk now, and the sea breeze was giving me goosebumps.

I walked to the shore and pulled my spaghetti strap night gown over my head. If anyone would've seen me now it was for sure embarrassing. I was not even in my bikini, just my thin, nearly transparent pink bra my small white thong. I brushed off the thought as I quickly ran and jumped in the water

The summer reminded me so much of the past--- of what I had before. Those simple laughter, joys and company are now a far-fetch dream to reach. Now, I would give anything to have that back. Everything.

I dove deeper through the water and allowed the past to flash right in front of my eyes. No transition or clear timeline, just slices of memory chopped up and dropped in place

16-year-old me loosened the braid in my hair and shook it free as I filled up the large red bucket with water. It was summer and when I don't have a ballet class, I always tend to do something else like washing the car. I knelt down and poured a capful into the bucket and watched as the suds filled it to the brim.

Once I had adjusted the setting on the nozzle, I sprayed down my mother's old Nissan. A thin mist bounced off the paint and quickly covered my body. I dropped the hose and pulled off my tank top and shorts, standing in my two-piece bikini. I circled the car, making sure I got everything nice and wet.

I walked around and picked up a sponge, dunking it in the foamy water and immediately smacked it onto the Nissan. I smiled as I washed it, top to bottom, letting the soap run down the sides and over the glass. I stood on the bumper and leaned across the front, against the hood, as I washed the grime off.