Footprints on my Heart

Chapter 13 -- Grand battement

Grand battement
like tendu and jèté, brush foot on floor, but with more energy so that it becomes a big, straight leg kick.

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Sometimes there are things that are just not worth fighting for. I guess that's why they say that we have to know how to choose our battles. But I was convinced that this was something definitely worth fighting for. So I went to war only to bleed to death. I came out beaten, wounded and ultimately broken.

I had dreamt about him the night before. Not really a dream, though, more a memory. I was brought back to the bittersweet memory I will never forget. The memory came to me out of nowhere, the words spoken aloud before they fully registered in my brain.

A time back when Travis was completely enamored by me. When he couldn't keep his eyes off me and when he didn't care that he made a fool of himself in front of me. I had been to damn naïve to see that I didn't even care about his feelings.I remembered that the air was full of sweet berries that night too. Memories of our life together raced through my head. I let the images wash over me. I felt an ache in my chest

I gulped my drink. "I've got some news for you, Travis."

My stomach did a backward summersault when I saw Travis' innocent expression. "Good or bad?" He said. My throat suddenly felt dry and tight, despite my orange juice. I looked at the spot on my left hand where I thought I'd always see the diamond Travis gave me as a promise ring.

"Well... both really. I've been offered a full-ride scholarship in L'Academe Royal de Danse. It's a big chance for me. It's what I've always wanted."

A relieved smile sprang to my lips, then faded as I caught his expression, a suggestion that he was happy but somehow conflicted. Something in his look sent an icy fear into my heart.

"It's a great opportunity for you then..? Are you taking it? Isn't it overseas?"

"Yes, I can't afford not to... not if I want to get on."

"Okay," He said, steeling myself. "Let's have it. You did say the news was good and bad." He laid his hand on mine.

"The bad bit, Babe, if you can call it that... well, the school is in Paris"

I felt how his hand beneath me went limp. "France? So it is overseas"

"Kind of yeah"

"Kind of..?"

"Yes."

"And you're taking it?" I couldn't think clearly at that moment. I had to hear him say it again, before my disbelieving ears would take it in.

"What's stopping me? You've always known I'm ambitious."

"Yes, but I hadn't realized that meant you leaving the country. What about us?"

"Uuwi naman ako after grad or in between vacation"

But somehow I sensed a finality about it all. Do I expected Travis to sit at home five weeks out of six twiddling my thumbs and being a good little boy while I was having the time of my life?

I watched as I found him struggling to find the right consoling words. His cool demeanour seemed to have deserted him for a moment.

"That's what's going to hurt me most Travis. I've been so happy seeing you. I'll miss you so much."

"You make it sound so final," He said.

"I don't mean to. You will wait for me, won't you?"