The Things Left Unsaid

Samantha Lyn Anderson: The Mother

The minute I saw her beautiful face, I knew she was special. My little girl grew up to be a beautiful young woman. She was only three when Tyler was born, but she was the already the best big sister. She would hold him every chance she got, and was always ready to help if needed, She was always there for him as they grew up.  

Abigail was born on September 12th 2001, and she was perfect the minute I saw her. She was always so loving, they say when your kid turns 13 they become moody, not my Abigail, she was always so happy and helpful. She took on the task of watching Tyler while her father and I were away.

I blame myself, if I hadn't been so caught up in work she wouldn't have been so worried with taking care of her brother. I put to much responsibility on her and she cracked under pressure. I should have gave her a chance to be an actual teen instead of having her raise one. 

Everyone reacts to death differently, John shuts himself in his office like hes trying to escape what our jobs did to our daughter, Tyler sits himself in front of her door as if shes going to come back, and me? I busy myself. I do anything to distract myself from the pain that comes when im not distracted.

No matter how hard I try I can't just ignore the fact that I keep expecting her to pitch in during dinner- not that theres alot of conversation anymore. I keep expecting to turn around at the grocery store to see her dancing around like a dork. I sometimes pick up her favorite cereal or ill go to cook her favorite meal, only to have my hopes swept away from me and my heart crushed all over again.

I should have known that she was being bullied, should have noticed something was wrong. I should have been her mother. I wasnt around enough to be her mother, I was too busy with work- too busy with work...too busy with work. TOO BUSY WITH WORK? What mom is too busy for their daughter?

I have to be better. Not just for Tyler, but for Abigail as well, she wouldnt want me to make the same mistake with Tyler. She would want us to be better parents for Tyler. I also have to fight for my relationship with John, Abigail would never forgive us if we blamed each other and it tore us apart.

My daughter was the most amazing girl in the world. She would have done great things in this world. I should have made her feel more wanted, I should have made sure that any problems that our family had didnt have a single thing to do with her, that she was the heart and glue of our family. And she will be proud to know that those responsibilities will be passed down to the most worthy contender, her brother.