The Things Left Unsaid

Tyler Robert Anderson: The Brother

I keep thinking it's all a nightmare, I keep expecting her to come waltzing out of her room, kiss me on my head like always, and make me my morning pancakes; its hard to believe thats never going to happen again. I would never hear her singing in the bathroom while she took years to get ready. I will never met her eyes across the table again. I guess I have to accept that but I doubt I ever will.

Abbie was only three years older than me, but she acted more like a second mom. Our parents worked alot to support us, they traveled and worked late. But I could always count on Abbie.  She was my only sibling and I can't help feeling like im alone, even though my parents have taken alot of time off.

I could no longer make eye contact with her, silently speaking to her in away no one else would ever understand. Usually when we got to have dinner with my parents we would look at another from across the table and make faces,  now im left to stare at an empty chair at a table filled with dead silence. I would never get to see my big sister graduate,  she would never see me graduate.  I would never see her fall in love and marry the only lucky guy that deserved to have her in his life romantically. I would never get to threaten her next boyfriend, there wouldn't be a next boyfriend. I would never be able to dance with her at her wedding, or lie on her bed looking through pictures from when we were younger laughing at how silly we were. 

Abbie was my best friend. In no way was I ashamed to be her "baby brother". Was it something I had done? Did I make her feel like she couldn't talk to me about the most important thing going on in her life? Did she get tired of hanging out with me? What did I do that was so terrible that she wanted to leave? The police said she was being bullied and she most likely had started to believe she was worthless, but if thats true, than its my fault; that means I didn't work hard enough to show her how much I loved her.

She had this little nickname for me: Ty-Ty. I hated it, I thought it made me sound like a baby and I begged her to stop calling me it, this of course caused her call me it more. Now I would give anything to hear her call me it one more time. I would give anything to have her hold me and hug me and tell me she loved me. I would give anything to be able to just say goodbye.

I just wish I could have let her know I loved her more than anything in the world.