The Things Left Unsaid

Jane Raven Harper: The Best Friend

"She wouldn't want you to be this lifeless, she would want you to remember her life and honor it."

"She wouldn't want you to isolate yourself"

Thats all I've heard the past month: That my best friend who died  wouldnt want me to be so upset to the point of breaking. Well we don't know what she'd want she is dead.

Abbie was my best friend, we had been best friends for seven years, for seven years we were inseparable, where she went I went, and vis versa. But now, now shes gone some place where I can't follow her.

I shouls have known, I should have known something was wrong, I should have been able to seen through the facade because that was my job! My job as her best friend was to see her dying inside. She is gone because I was too blind to see her hurting, she's gone because of me. I might as well have pushed her into the water myself.

She was amazing, I know alot of people think their best friend is the greatest person to ever walk the earth, but Abbie really was. She was amazing, and helpful, and charming, and trustworthy, and so many other things. She had the biggest heart ever, and the most energetic spirit. She was a bubble of energy and sunshine and love. She never gave up hope for people. She wasnt afraid to be herself and made absolutely no apologies for doing so. Without her I feel empty, like im incomplete. Abbie made it look so easy, I really did think she was happy, or maybe I just wanted to think she was.

"She wouldnt want you to blame yourself"

"There was nothing you could have done"

But maybe I could have, maybe I could have done something, maybe I should blame myself because I could have stopped her. Others may not have been able to but I could have. I was her best friend, I failed her, I was supposed to protect her, that's what being a best friend means. She always protected me, and the one time she actually needed me I failed her. No one could ever come close to what she was, no one as beautiful, as funny, as silly, or childish, or talented, or amazing, or sweet. No one will ever come close to Abigail Celeste Anderson.  She was absolutely perfect.

She didn't think  she was perfect, and she never pretended she was, she also never asked for me to be perfect either, she just wanted me to be me. Abbie made me a better person, she stood up for what she believed in and she hated to see people bring others down. She greeted everyone she could in the halls, she said hi to everyone and asked how their day was going. She was the best. She was always open minded and had such a deep outlook on life.

Flashback

We laid on the kitchen floor laughing.

"Wait so she actually-" I laughed. " -said you were incapable of love?"

Abbie laughed harder nodding as she did so. I snorted.

"We are in 8th grade when will she grow up?" I asked.

"The funny thing about all of it is that I   really didn't mind that she was entering the talent show, Rachel can do whatever she pleases, I merely asked her what she was doing for it."  She said softly.

We sat in silence for a minute before she turned to me.

"Let's go to the park."

Abbie's park had a swing set and we somehow always ended up there, she usually swung as high as she could, but this time she sat swinging in a semicircle dragging her feet across the gravel.

"Abbie are you sure you're okay?" I asked softly. She looked up and smiled.

"There's going to be mean girls in this world Jane, that's just how life goes."
I nodded.

"I guess that's how life is" I agreed, she shook her head.

"Life is what you make it; it's like a...It's like a swing set-" she tapped the chains on her swing"- you can just sit on it and go no where, you can have someone else do the pushing for you and go high but only as high as they will allow you to go, you can have someone give you the first push and then take over and go as far as you like, you can do it all yourself with out anyone's help, or you can at least try to swing and you may not get far but you're trying. And that's what matters"

Abbie was going to do great things with her life, but it was cut short. Sometimes I blame her parents, other times I blame my school, I yelled at everyone at school who dared mention her, I blame Rachel and Crystal every day, but I always blame myself.