The Things Left Unsaid

Alexis Paige Banks: The Cousin

HATE
Thats all I feel lately, I should be feeling saddness, or even joy because Abbie is "in a better place" ,but all I can feel is hate. I hate my siblings for not taking this seriously; our cousin just committed suicide and yet they still say dumb crap like "kill yourself" I dont care if its a joke it's not funny. I hate those dumb girls for making my cousin feel like she would never be good enough when she was actually better. I hate my parents for not talking to us, they haven't asked us if we needed to talk to them or anyone or even how we are doing with everything. I hate my grandparents for trying to make everything seem normal; it's not normal and never will be normal ever again! I hate my aunt and uncle for ignoring Tyler; as if they don't understand that he is hurting as well. I even hate Abbie for leaving us, I hate that she left her brother, her LITTLE BROTHER. I hate her for leaving me too, I hate her for leaving me to be the oldest cousin; Abbie was always better at it than me. I especially hate her for giving up. But mostly I hate myself.

I hate myself for not talking to her more. I hate that I didnt try harder to get her to open up. I hate that-even though she was only a few months older- I was never mature enough for her to talk to. I even hate that I wasn't brave enough to do what she did.
If I am being honest, I didn't hate her for giving up; I hate that she gave up before me. I hate that I now have to see what it would do to everyone if I were to do it. I hate that now, I can't give up. Hate, its such a heavy word, but the thing is, I don't hate my life: im indifferent towards it. In a way indifference is so much freaking worse. Love means you really care, but then so does hate, hate means you still care, but indifferent... that means you dont care.

Sometimes I want to give up, I want everyone to realize they suck. I want to just let go, but then I remember Abbie, and I can't.  I remember that Abbie thought giving up would be so much easier. I remember that if I were to kill myself  I wouldn't just be breaking everyone elses hearts, I would be continuing the cycle that basically says it's okay.

I think about Tyler, and I see what he's going through, and I realize I cannot do that to my siblings. I even think of Abbie, and I understand, I cannot honor her memory by killing myself along with her.

I loved Abbie, she was a great cousin, and there is alot I wish I would have said. And Abbie, i'm sorry, I wish I could have been there, but thank you, for helping me see the effect of suicide.

Even in death, Abigail taught me things. And even in killing her self, she saved my life.