Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 20

"What are you talking about?" I didn't believe him. Who even is this guy? He clearly had no idea what he was saying. He didn't even know Maybelle. He's talking about someone else.

"She listed you as her emergency contact. I know this is hard." His tone was sympathetic and kind and soft and I hated it.

"I don't understand." 

"She had come back for some more stitches on her shoulder, and there were some complications. A blood vessel--"

"Stop talking."

He was quiet for a moment, then laid a hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. She's gone."

So it must be true. There's no doubt about it. I expected tears. I expected my heart to fall to my shoes. I expected my lips to quiver. But there was nothing. I just stared at the man.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry, Manila. Our hearts go out to her."

I felt nothing. I didn't feel grief, or sadness, or pain, or anything. I just felt emptiness. Something that wasn't even a feeling. I felt like everything around me just stopped. I didn't say anything, and the man seemed like he wanted to comfort me in some way, but was so taken aback by my reaction that he had no choice but to just walk away.

I wasn't sure why I didn't feel anything. And actually, it made me angrier. Why wasn't I feeling upset? Sad? Hysterical? Hurt? Anything? I had concluded back then that I just couldn't imagine it; that her death just hadn't hit me yet. To this day, I still don't know what was going through my mind.

To me, young children, teenagers, young adults... they only died in the movies and on the news. Sure, they were still real people, and I still felt bad for them and their families, but none of it really hit close to home. None of it really made me scared or anxious. I wasn't a naturally paranoid person when it came to death, so honestly, those few words uttered from the man's mouth just changed everything for me. And I knew there was no going back.

Without knowing what I was doing, I spun around on my heel and started running. Just started running. Out of the doors of the hospital, down the sidewalk, onto hills and winding roads of streets I didn't recognize. I wished I could just run forever, to run into a vast nowhere and just be swallowed by the sunset. I wanted to run away from everything that was happening that I couldn't even fully understand. So I just ran.

And I didn't look back.

~~~

I sat there, crouched on the hardwood floor with my head between my legs, trying to steady the heaving of my shoulders that proved I was still alive. Still breathing. I felt the flood of tears pour out of my eyes in a hot stream down my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a gasp. Struggling to keep my voice down in fear of someone hearing, I forced my ragged breathing to steady. Another sob jutted from my body in an attempt to escape, and my mouth shot open to cry out. I swallowed the sound, and nothing but air flew from my lips as I shoved the scream behind my throat. My body convulsed under the pressure of the grief. Silently screaming, they say.

So that's what it feels like.

This is what happened, didn't it? This is what happened on that fateful day in which I had fallen. No, jumped. I had jumped, and there was no point in denying it any further. It was the truth. I'm almost positive now.

And it wasn't right.

No, it wasn't. I could practically hear Kania's sympathetic voice in my ears, telling me that I had a reason to jump, so I can't blame myself. I know she would say that, I didn't even need her here to tell me in person. Even without being able to recall all of our memories together, I still knew her well enough from all those years of friendship. But she would be wrong. No matter how hard I try to justify what I did, if I even did it, I wouldn't be able to. It would have been cowardous. I was just trying to run away from my problems; to escape from reality like I always do.