Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 18

I stared up at the ceiling for what felt like a few hours, tracing constellations out of the tiny clumps of paint like stars on an off-white sky. Memories flooded my mind from the last couple of weeks, dancing around with Kania in my room to music blasting from color changing speakers. Or sitting in total silence with Jaco, watching the sky turn from blue to pink to gold to red blood spilling over the clouds to royal purple to the darkest of blues to black sprinkled with stars like the tiny clumps of paint on my popcorn ceiling. 

The corner of my lips curled up without me being able to control it as I clenched the covers in my hands, thinking about how the tears had streamed from my eyes and my stomach had wrenched in pain this past week because Kania sung off-key to our favorite songs, and shoved Hershey kisses up her nose to make me snort with laughter. Real tears from laughing so hard. I remembered laying in this exact same position on my bed at the end of those seemingly endless days, letting my teeth show to the popcorn ceiling sky because for the first time in a long, long time, I could not have stopped smiling.

I adjusted the pillow under my head and laid my cheek on the cool sheets. I remembered going to an Open Mic at an underground, slightly dangerous, cafe for artists and watching Jaco perform one of his most personal pieces. I still felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had felt when he brought me on stage with him because my presence made it just a little easier to choke out the words that had been stuck in his throat all his life. And how he had let a single tear slip from under his glasses down his cheek, the only tear I've ever seen him shed, and how he hugged me for what felt like forever after he finished his piece. And I remembered the pulse in my chest and the feeling like my feet had fallen asleep and my chin fitting perfectly in his neck and the warm comfort and that I never wanted to let go.

I remembered singing these past few weeks for the first time since I was in diapers, and feeling amazing to just let my voice run free. I don't know if it sounded good because I was alone in my room only accompanied by the blasting color changing speakers but I know I felt great. And so I just sang in my room and sang and sang and at some point I stopped hearing my voice and just heard the music and the feeling like my throat could grow wings.

I remembered it so clearly as I smoothed my hands over the covers, thinking about those moments.  Something inside of me had awaken, energizing every fiber of my being as a smile spread across my lips. The violins playing in the back along with the guitar strings plucked so perfectly in tune with the rest of the orchestra felt so good. Everything about the song made me feel like I could fly. I had found myself launching my feet onto the top of my bed as I broke out in ridiculous dance moves, scream-belting the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I laughed at the crazy images I saw in the mirror before me.

Then, the song had changed from the upbeat melody to a slower song, but just as electrifying. A calming melody vibrated through my ear drums, the playing of piano keys sending a chill through my spine. I had flopped onto my bed and stared at the ceiling as a female voice boomed from my speakers. The power in her voice shot through me like lighting, and her passion made up for the lack of intricate instruments. I laid there letting her voice fill me up with all of her emotions as to forget mine. A feeling of relief I had never felt before filled me. By the time the song had finished, I felt so at peace with myself and at peace with the sheets on my bed and my popcorn ceiling sky and bedroom dance parties and Kania and Jaco and the steady pounding in my chest. It had been an amazing few weeks.

I rolled over on my side and grabbed my phone from the side table. I started to look through my messages with Kania and Jaco and see if I should ask them to hang out that day, but something stopped me. All of a sudden my fingers were searching through my contact list for the hospital phone number. You gotta think of the big picture. All I could think of in that impulsive moment was Jaco's eyes and his gentle hands closing the textbook and his voice. It made me pick up the phone and dial the number. Is the right thing worth the discomfort or pain? I wiped my sweaty palms on the side of my pajamas as I sat up in bed, listening to the ringing on the receiving end for what seemed like an hour. Finally, someone picked up. A woman's voice. I was a little out of breath, but I quickly gained my composure after she asked how she could help me.