Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 4

"What?!" I nearly shrieked, staring at the man. Suicidal? No. No no no no.

When did this happen?

A doctor came in quickly, switching the light on and searching frantically for signs of danger. The new found light blinded me, my eyes adjusted to the dim light of my room from before, and it made me want to numb everything.

"There's some kind of mistake," I declared, squinting and using my hand as a shield from the light. 

"What's going on in here?" The doctor asked, rather confused.

"I was informed from a doctor, there can't be a mistake." The mysterious man (yes, it was definitely a man) shot back, completely ignoring the doctor, and folded his arms. I nearly growled at him.

"I was never suicidal! I don't understand!" I could feel my eyes starting to well up with tears but I refused to show any signs of weakness in front of this dishevelled doctor and this demeaning stranger. I tried to compose myself and turned to the man in the white coat.

"Doctor, can you please get someone to explain to me what's going on?" The doctor's eyes widened slightly at the conviction in my voice and hurried out of the room. I glared at the mysterious man, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"You couldn't have explained to me what the therapy was for?" 

"You seemed like you knew," he replied. My eyes narrowed to slits at him. A few seconds later, the same frantic doctor brought in the woman that I recognized from before, her eyes tired. Probably from having to deal with stuff like this all the time.

"What seems to be the problem?" Her voice was soft, yet direct.

"This man barged into my room and told me to sign a paper for suicidal therapy," I told the woman, trying to keep myself from raising my voice. That didn't really work. "But I'm not even suicidal!" 

The woman tilted her head slightly at me, her eyes searching my face. I think something clicked in her mind, because she nodded and turned towards the man, gesturing for him to follow her outside. The other doctor followed behind, like a pathetic puppy.

I'm sorry, but everything about that anxious doctor annoyed me.

The woman came back shortly afterwards, flashing me a sympathetic smile. I didn't smile back. I didn't need sympathy, I needed answers.

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you before, but a few of your family members were worried about your mental health during your... accident. They anonymously suggested counseling, and an anonymous doctor found this man. I suppose it was a bit unorthodox to avoid informing you, but now you know. Is there anything else you'd like?"

I stared at the woman. Family members? They thought I committed suicide? That's why they had all been acting so strangely. But, why would I commit suicide? What happened before my fall?

"No, thank you." I replied, flashing a half-forced smile her way before turning to my side, my eyes on the brink of bursting from holding back tears. I waited until I heard the soft thud of the door closing before letting them fall slowly and silently, streaming down my cheeks.

I had really gotten so low to suicide? 

It seemed impossible for me. 

I tried to wrack my brain for memories, anything, that would lead me to think why I would do such a thing. Sure, I remember enough to know that we were in a difficult situation, what it was I still couldn't figure out, but surely nothing to be suicidal about. 

Right?

All I remembered were a few times where I had cried, and the occassional moment where I'd feel nothing. Just emptiness. But that's it. What happened before, or after, or during... it was all a blur.

I just didn't know what was going on with me, and every piece of the puzzle that I end up finding now just makes it even more perplexing. 

I just wanted there to be a direct answer for once. No hidden meanings, no other pieces to put together, no mystery to be solved. I just wanted to know everything that happened. And what I was thinking. And why I feel a certain way. I want to be able to explain myself without fumbling over my words for once.

But that's not going to happen.

Perfect.