We took a month off tour so I can be with Shallan. And to be honest I'm not really in any shape to perform. Shallan had to stay in the hospital for three days. She hasn't spoken since her panic attack. She's been sitting on the couch with sonogram pictures in her hands and Button in her lap. She finally ran out of tears. I didn't know what to do anymore. She won't eat, she won't speak, she won't sleep. I'm worried about her.
The funeral is tomorrow. Shallan should really have a shower, but I'm not sure I can get her off the couch. I sigh and drop down beside her. She doesn't even acknowledge me. I reach over and grab her hand.
"Shallan?" It's a barely audible whisper. "Shallan?" I ask a bit louder. She looks at me. "You should get a shower." She nods and stands up. I stand up too, surprised that she's off the couch. While she showers I get out clean clothes for her. Her shower is short. When she's out and dressed she sits on the end of our bed. I grab her hairbrush off the dresser and go to hand it to her, but she doesn't take it. I sit down behind her and start running the brush through her hair. When her hair is brushed she turns around and wraps her arms around me, burying her face in my chest. She starts to cry again. I rub her back. And before too long silent tears are falling down my cheeks too.
The next morning
The next morning was grey and rainy. The funeral starts at 10:00. We decided to just have the funeral at the cemetery since it will be so small. Neither of us says a word as we get dressed. Shallan finds a black dress in the back of the closet and braids her hair. I put on black jeans with a black button up. We sit on the couch staring at the clock watching time tick away before we have to leave. When the time is ten to ten Shallan and I leave. The ride is uncomfortably silent. Ray, Bob, Gerard, Lindsey, Mikey, Alicia, Mr. And Mrs. Way and my parents are already there. Hugs and tears are exchanged. Then the pastor gets here and the funeral starts.
"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to put to rest Christopher Thomas Iero. Who was taken from us much to soon." Shallan begins to cry again. I wrap my arm around her shoulders. Afr the pastor finishes Shallan and I walk up to the grave. We look down on the small black casket holding our son.
"I-I'm sorry I never got hold you or kiss you. But I love you. Mommy's sorry she couldn't protect you, Christopher." Shallan whispers.
"I'm sorry too. Daddy loves you, Christopher. I wish I could have done more to protect you." I whisper. Then everyone drops a handful of dirt on the casket. The graveyard workers start shoveling dirt on top of the casket.
We all go back to mine and Shallan's apartment for a small wake kind of thing. Shallan spends the entire time crying. We sit in uncomfortable silence broken only by Shallan's sobs. When it seems things can't get any worse the drizzle turns into a full blown storm. The power flickers.
Eventually everyone tires of the silence. Everyone but Gerard and Mikey leaves. Shallan stops crying and stares out the window. Mikey sits down beside her and rubs her back. She opens the window and closes her eyes. I stand and start tidying. I pile the dishes in the sink and then sit down.
"I have to go." Gerard says. It's a whisper. Barely audible. I nod. He gives Shallan a hug and then me.
"I'm so sorry Frank." He says. I nod again.
"Me too." He looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn't. As he's walking out the door Shallan stands and walks into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Mikey sighs.
"What did you do?" I ask him.
"I don't even know. She's just. . .distraught." I nod.
"I guess I'll go."
"Ok." He comes over and gives me a hug.
"I'm sorry. No one should have to bury their kids." He leaves and I slump down on the couch. I begin to sob. I put my head in my hands and close my eyes. The bedroom door squeaks as it opens. The couch sinks as Shallan sits down. She wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder. Her tears wet the sleeve of my shirt.
"It-" her voice cracks, "it's gonna-gonna be okay." She says softly.
"Promise?" I ask, knowing that's what she expects.
"Pr-promise." She rubs my back and tries to hum. We mourn together the loss of our son.
The lights flicker again. The rain gets louder. Then sound of thunder fills the apartment. Followed by the deafening silence of two heartbroken people. Crushed by the loss of our baby that we'd never get to meet.
Shallan's POV
I don't even know how I feel. Sad, angry, guilty. I sit with arms around Frank as we both cry. Every sob hurts my stomach. The stitches, though mostly healed, still hurt. They're a painful reminder of what I lost. Of what was taken from me. My life just continues to crumble around me. Everyone I've ever loved I've lost. And everyone I've lost has left me more broken than before. I feel if I lose any more pieces I won't be able to stand. I'll simply crumble before their eyes and they'll be powerless to save me. They'll give up on me. Just like everyone else.
++++
So yeah. How is it so far? Comment and/or vote! And stay awesome! Thanks!
Savannah(-:
YOU ARE READING
I Wont Give Up(sequel to Feel Alive)
FanfictionFirst: Title Credit: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz Second: This is the sequel to Feel Alive. Read that first. Third: Previously called: For Better Or Worse Shallan and Frank are engaged and expecting a baby. Life is crazy, but they are too. No matte...
