Just Live For Me

Confessions

October 5, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I’m so nervous. Jake will be here any minute and them we’re all going to Rachel’s. Please let this all end up perfect.

         Ok…so it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could’ve been… but it wasn’t what I would call a ‘normal’ group date… ok I lied… It was awful…let’s take this from the beginning.

         When Jake got to my house he looked fairly normal (better than normal actually) He was wearing a Metallica hoodie and black fingerless gloves to hide his arms. He was happy looking and that’s all that mattered to me (he had such a big smile when he greeted me). However, when we got to Rachel’s house… I got my own little reality check. When Jake was next to Brandon and Matt (who are both thin and by no means fat), Jake looked at least 30 pounds thinner. I’d never noticed how thin e was till I saw a comparison. His cheeks were nearly completely concave and his pants were huge on him (he’d had them since we started dating and they’d always fit just fine). His hoodie was hanging off him, and not in a good way. It was kinda scary really. I mean, I knew he wasn’t eating that much… but this was insane. His hair was also crazy long. It was nearly shoulder length. His right eye was completely covered by his thick black bangs and what was showing of his left eye was pale grey with hardly any tint of blue left. He was like a tall skeleton next to two hulks by comparison. This didn’t go unnoticed either.

         We all noticed how much Jake had changed. When I saw them I almost started crying. Rachel and Casey practically ran to my side to make sure I wasn’t going to collapse in tears, and I could tell Brandon was making sure Jake didn’t faint. No one knew what to do or say. Eventually Matt said the only thing that could possibly help the situation and that was that we should go get food.

         When we got to some small restaurant Casey started a conversation. It was a decent one, but it would’ve been less awkward it they weren’t all watching Jake to make sure he’d eat something. After about five minutes of the excruciatingly awkward conversation I finally had enough. I took Casey and Rachel outside to talk. I still don’t know what Jake, Matt, and Brandon talked about, but as I walked away I saw a look of panic cross Jake’s face. It was horrible to leave him, but I couldn’t take it.

         When we got outside Casey and Rachel started forcing all sorts of questions on me. Some were normal like “ What happened!?” and “ Is he anorexic or something!?” others were harder to answer like “ Should we call an ambulance, because he looks like he’s about to die?” and then they asked the worst one “ Megan for the love of god just tell us what’s going on, now!” What could I do? I was Scared and they were my best friends. I knew they’d do anything to help me. So I just let go… I started crying like a maniac. It got so out of control that they took me to Rachel’s car to calm down. It took them a while, but I eventually calmed down. Then… I told them everything… the REAL everything… not the sugarcoated version. I told them about Helen… about Kevin… about his mother… about him cutting… me finding him… him being in the hospital… everything. Most importantly and maybe the scariest thing… I told them how every night I cry myself to sleep because I know my nightmares are coming. But I always know it’s just a dream. Then I remember it’s not just a dream for Jake… and that makes me cry even more.

         I felt completely and utterly helpless, but most of all… I felt safe. I was finally letting someone help me. It was nice.

         They didn’t really know what to do though. The hugged me and told me it would be all right, but other than that they just let me cry to them while they listened to every word. I think that was what I needed the most. Then after about ten minutes of me crying I saw Jake, Brandon, and Matt walking outside. Rachel tried to shoo them away, but as soon as Jake saw my red eyes… there was nothing stopping him. Except for maybe two boys twice his size blocking him from the car. I didn’t know what to do. I was still crying and I could get words out. Meanwhile Casey’s trying to calm me down, Rachel’s yelling at Matt to keep Jake away from me, Matt and Brandon were holding back Jake (I can only imagine what was gong through their heads. Did they think Jake beat something or me?), and Jake was confused as fuck and all he knew was that I was crying and he couldn’t help.

 Casey tried to drive me home, but I wouldn’t let her… Not before letting me see Jake. I pushed Brandon and Matt out of the way and ran into my sick boyfriend’s arms. We stood there not caring what my friends though. He kissed my head and told me how sorry he was for making me cry. I hate that. He’s so quick to blame himself for something he couldn’t control. I just wish he’d let me be wrong for once. I cried in public and probably made a lot of people think Jake was trying to hurt me. All he could worry about was why I was crying.

He didn’t let go of me until Brandon tried to ask what was going on. Rachel and Casey didn’t want to tell them… at least not in front of Jake. So then it was Jake’s turn to tell the tale. But his way was a little different. He let go of me and took off hi sweatshirt and gloves. That left him standing there in a cold parking lot in baggy pants, no shirt, and a shitload of bandages. You could easily see his ribs through his skin, and there were cuts everywhere. Even the bottom of his stomach had old scars. His ribs nearly pushed through his chest, and his collarbone was almost funny visible. I didn’t even try to hold back tears. He grabbed his arms and looked straight at my friends, not caring about the people walking by (most of witch were also preparing for him to faint). Then all he said was “ Guys… I fucked up… I had everything, and now… now I have shit. Worst of all I’m dragging down Megan.” He took my hand (Even his hands were cold and bony) and said, “But I’m getting better… I swear… although I may not look it… I’m trying to get better… believe it or not I’ve eaten twice as much as I usually eat in a day in that last meal… Do you want to know why I’m trying? It’s not because I care about me… no… if it were up to me… I’d’ve died days ago in a pool of blood in my room. But I’m trying because if there’s one thing in my fucked up world I care about it’s Megan… and I never want to see her cry again.” I couldn’t help myself after that. I kissed him, and wouldn't let go.

Casey and Rachel cried too. Then they walked in and hugged Jake and me. So did Brandon and Matt. There we stood for what seemed like hours. In the wind …in front of some restaurant hugging. I know Jake was tearing up, so I squeezed his hand and we both smiled at each other.

         So no… it wasn’t the ‘normal’ group date, but I take back what I said before… it wasn’t awful… It was just what I needed… what we all needed.