Once In A Lifetime

Chapter 48: Letting Go

"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go."

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Denise

The night seemed so long as I cling beside Lola's lifeless body. I never knew for how long I cried resting my head on her chest, muttering words she could not hear anymore. Anger and regrets rested upon my heart, blaming myself for the enslaving power of hatred reigning over me.

There was so much guilt inside of me every time I would remember her pleading eyes in the dark recesses of my memory, begging for understanding and forgiveness that I was too selfish to give.

Why I didn't not give her a chance to explain everything when there was so much time between us then? Why I allowed my hurt to hurt her even more in the callous way possible? Why it had to end this way? I attempted to conceal my guilt-stricken conscience with tears, only to end up in vain. No amount of tears could wash my erring heart. The guilt remained and for how long it would linger there, only heavens know.

"Denise that's enough. Just let her go. You need to rest now." A soft touch at my shoulder brought me back to that painful moment. It was Caroline, her eyes were swollen, too, from crying. I didn't notice she was already around. Sneaking from her in the hospital was the least I could do when my premonition regarding Lola was so strong and I was never wrong. Escaping from the hospital despite the presence of security guards posted on my room was the smartest thing I made so far in my life without a bit of regret.

I looked around me. I saw few mournful people inside the room - Lolo, Yaya Inday and the nurse. Somehow, I was thankful Papa was not around. Where is he? I wondered if he's living somewhere. I knew, any moment, he would come. It would be an encounter that I dreaded to imagine. Would I still feel the hatred if I see him? Could I forgive him easily just what I promised to Lola? Oh, God help me what to do when I see Papa again.

I saw Lolo moved and stood away from the bed. He rested his head on the wall and at the same time banged it with his fist, releasing whatever indignation he has in life, until he could no longer hold his tears and moaned profusely like a child. His body was shaking. Deep inside I could see the pain engraved in his heart. And no amount of time would ever heal the brokenness he has. I could see the sadness all over his face. No words could mollify his bereaved spirit, even the thought that Lola died peacefully.

For the first time in my entire life, I witnessed the cruelty of death not only to the dying but as well to the living. Seeing Lolo with a hackneyed and dispirited countenance reminded me of the guilt I have to live with for the rest of my life. It weighed too great a burden on my weary soul and I felt the blame was upon me, consuming my entire being.

Somehow, it was my fault why Lola had this untimely demise. If only I didn't walk away from her life, she would still be here. The only woman who loved me unconditionally, who never gave up on me when my father did. And now, she's gone because my unforgiving spirit was like a sword in her heart. Oh God, what have I done?

And then, there was Lolo in agony because of what I did to the woman he dearly love. Death had separated them forever. Ending the beautiful love I witnessed from them through the years. I came closer to him in an attempt to appease him with what courage left in me. But I myself was doubtful where to get the comfort we all need. Glad that Caroline was around to help me plant my feet on the ground, although I was aware, she too was terribly devasted by the loss of Lola.

When Lolo saw me approaching, he secretly wiped his tears, collecting his composure and afterwards, spread his arms to welcome me in his loving embrace. More than anything now, we both needed the assurance that we would be there for each other.

Caroline joined us, while Yaya Inday snipping every now and then, came closer to Lola and kissed her on the forehead. I felt my heart would explode and I started crying again as I watched her sealed their friendships with that saddest goodbye kiss ever.

After all the emotions had been drained, I felt like passing out. The day's events were too much for my frail body. Caroline was quick to help me to my room. I felt strange coming back to my own sanctuary after being away the entire summer. Spending a great deal of my life in this house was an experience I would always treasure even if life would lead me somewhere else in the future.

Lying on my bed, I tried to sleep but it was elusive. Caroline never left me, keeping an eye on everything I do.

"Denise, I know it's not the right time to talk about something to you. But I just want you to free yourself from whatever guilt you have now." I heard her say above whisper.

"Lola has been diagnosed with terminal cancer before you even walked away from all of us. She kept it to herself. Not even Lolo Gaspar knew about it." I knew she was trying to lighten my guilt.

"Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that she died. God gives life and He's the One who can take it away, too, when the right time comes." I just listened but my head were shouting for words I don't have the courage to express.

Do you think it is the right time for Him to take away Lola? Now that my heart is not ready to let go and let live?

"I just want you to realize, God has better reasons, much better than we think, for allowing things to happen beyond our comprehension."

What should be better reasons than punishing me with this guilt? I know I deserve His punishment, but why it has to be this way?

"And I want you to know, you are not alone. God is with you all the way. He loves you, Denise and He will help you go through with this." When I did not say a single word, I thought Caroline gave up. Instead she knelt beside me and prayed the sincerest prayer I ever heard. After the prayer, I know, I was never the same anymore.