Fragile Heart

Melancholy

It was days since I saw Stephen with a girl. I still dont reply to his text messages, I still feel pain from my breakup. I came to check if I still have food to eat, when I look at the fridge, I have only suasages. So I decided to go to the supermarket and buy foods. I recieved another text message from Stephen.

S: you still dont reply.
S: what have you been up to?
S: what are you doing now?

Still I just read them and dont reply to his messages. I continued on buying stuff and also put on my cart liqours, chips, mangoes and grapes. I paid to the cashier and went home.

When from a distance I saw a familiar car parking infront of our house. The cab stopped infront of the car that park and right then and there Stephen was leaning on his car and he seems mad.

M: what wind that brought you here!
S: you still have the audacity to joke with me? (In a very angry tone)
M: hahaha, come help with these. (He carried the bag containing the alcohol and when he look whats inside his anger just fueled even more)
S: so you ditched me for these huh?
M: what (while I was opening the door to the house) ditched who?
S: I went to your province only to be met with the news that you didnt left, so what now huh? (While he placed what he was carrying) drink till you dropped? I drived all the way back and forth and havent got much rest! You're not even responding to my text and not answering my calls.
M: uhm, ok, so what is it for me? Is that what your mad about? Come here baby ill cradle you to rest!
S: what the fuck! (He approached me and grabbed the collar of my shirt that shocked me and honestly drained the life out of me) did you know how worried I am after knowing that all this time you are just here in the city!
M: (although im scared and shaking still kept my composure) im still breathing ok! (I pushed him so that his grip will loosen and he let go) its not like you need me anyways!
S: what did you just say? (I opened a bottle of rhum and just drank straight from the bottle) am I seeing this? You turning into a drunkard huh! Pathetic! Let go already, he doesnt care about you anymore, he is out there happy and you are here moping! Move on!
M:(after hearing that, he just hit a sore spot, and I loose all the composure im trying to keep) move on! Its easy for you to say; you arent in my shoes! Try wearing them for once! I gave that person my time, my body all that I could think of giving him! Instead he hurt me! I dont need you in my life telling me what to do, tailing me! Go fuck yourself! (Tears are now streaming on my face) you being concern as if I am of more value to you! WHAT AM I TO YOU HUH! ARENT I JUST A FRIEND WHOM YOU PROMISED TO ALWAYS BE THERE BECAUSE I TRIED KILLING MYSELF!
S: (he was stunned and calmed down a bit after seeing me in tears and hearing those words. He tried to come close to me and hug me but instead pushed him away) im sorry I am insensitive I shouldnt have. What you are to me? What you are to me is
M: (I cut him off) a friend, I am just a friend! I was never more than just a friend! Go to your girl! Leave me alone and save me from the thought that someday youd love me more than just a friend! Leave me!
S: its not like that, I am very worried about you. You are on my thoughts everyday, you are special to me. Please dont push me away, it hurts. (He avoided the topic of me seeing him with a girl) I want to be there for you always! (His voice now seems pleading, but still I am mad and hurt)
M: leave! Just leave me alone, I dont want you in my life anymore. I dont want to see you anymore! Everything about you pains me! If you are here because of pity, save it! I dont need them! (Im pushing him I know, but can you blame me?) Just leave me alone and im ending this friendship here and now!

I saw him turn his back on me and headed towards the door. I saw him take a look at me before closing the door infront of him. He looks broken and then it dawned on me. What have I done, I am too harsh. The words "I am ending this friendship here and now" echoed in my conscience, I am now losing him. I shouldnt have said that, now I wont be able to see him again. The thing I feared the most has come and I am the one that caused it. I ran to the door but when I looked outside, he already left. I am left there, crying. Regretting the words I have said to him and it keeps on running in my head the words I have said. Its as if all the weight of the world was on my shoulder that time. It was more painful than being cheated on, he left, I caused it, him turning his back on me was the most dreadful moment my heart could take, the pain I saw in his face would surely haunt me in my sleep. I hurt him, I hurt the person who took care of me, I hurt the man I secretly love. I drank the bottle of rhum straight up and passed out.

It has been three days since we had that fight and it also has been three days since I look like shit. I didnt receive any text from him. I became paranoid, everytime I hear a car approaching I look up hoping its him. Everytime my phone beeps, Im hoping im receiving a text from him. But it wasnt his car, it isnt his texts. Its my fault that im hurting like this. I shouldnt have pushed him away. Then I turned in the radio and it even adds to my melancholy it played the song "WHY DO WE ALWAYS HURTS THE ONES WE LOVE", I cried listening to the song. Why do we hurt them, why do we cause them pain? Memories of him flashed, from the first time we met, the time I toured them, the moment I visited their house and he showed me the roses, him at the hospital and hugging me, moments he fetches and sends me home, and the moment we had a fight. I was lying in bed and the radio kept on going on with my mood. Now it playes Christina Aguilera's song "HURT", hearing its lyrics I cried. Because it says almost everything he has done. I went down to the dining area grabbed some wine and head back to my room and drank it straight up. I have been drinking since the day of the fight, its as if its becoming a routine for me to pass out with a drink at hand.