Explosion (Kellic)

Sleeping With Sirens

Yoooo! Trigger warning bb's.

ALSO. Just gonna do a big tell on you guys. 

THE GUY I LIKE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.

Which is fine. 

It's fine.

EVERYTHING'S FINE!

k thanks

At my house I laid down on my bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. I'd drawn the curtains shut tightly, blocking out all light. I stood up and plugged in my iPod, playing some Crown loudly on my speakers. I went back and flopped onto my bed, burying myself further into a disgusting pit of self pity.

A few songs went by until one of my favorites came on. I mumbled the lyrics until this one line came up. I screamed it, grateful for my nearly pitch black room.

"THE ONLY WAY TO SHINE YOUR LIGHT IS IN THE DARK!"

This is good for me, I thought. This is good. I'm in the darkness. I can only go up from here.

And even as the tears mixed with the blood on my wrists, I told myself that everything was okay.

Even though I'm a worthless peice of shit.

Even though I haven't attended my classes.

Even though my singing made babies cry.

It didn't matter. Because I was Kellin fucking Quinn. I was the most beautiful human being on this earth. I was Kellin Quinn. There was no one else like me.

A new song came on. I rolled over and stared at my iPod, hating the way it had cursed me to listen to these songs. They made me conflicted.

"We have only one life to live. And then we're cast into the night. Will you carry the torch and be the keeper of the light? Or will you let darkness fall?"

I watched the blood drip off my wrist, satisfied with the way it stung in the cold air of my bedroom. Why do I have to be like this? What did I do wrong?

I got up and shut the music off. I was still thinking about the lyrics. They were swirling in my brain, tearing my opinion between depression and inspiration.

"Never let life kill your spark."

Never let life kill your spark.

Never let life kill your spark.

I sighed as I placed my wrists under the faucet. I hadn't even noticed that I'd begin cutting myself. It just happened. Like instinct. I wrapped toilet paper over my arms, creating the best bandage I could. I was too lazy to look for anything else.

I went down into the kitchen and made some food for myself. I munched on it while watching TV, thinking about how lucky I was to be able to sit on the couch. Was that normal? No. It wasn't. It wasn't normal for a kid to not be allowed on the couch.

I feel asleep there, and in the morning I worked on the song some more. I kept singing it around the house, practicing as much as I possibly could because I sure as hell didn't want to mess up during the performance. When it was around halfway through block three at school, I started walking towards the building I'd left so often. I only cared about music class at this point. Fuck everything else. No one wanted me in my math class, my english class was run by the devil, and french was useless to me. See? School doesn't matter.

When I arrived, the lady at the front desk asked me where I was. I told her through paper, that I was at a doctor's appointment. She asked me for a doctor's note and I wrote that he said I didn't have to because it would be a regular occurrence from now on. She didn't look like she understood what I was telling her, and to be honest, I didn't understand it, either.

I made my way to my music class early and waited outside for the bell to ring. People flooded out of the doors. I waited for all of them to leave before going in, myself. People from my own class trickled in, getting into their groups and discussing things about their project. I absolutely loved how dedicated everyone was. They never wasted the time they had in this room.

I sat down in the back, by the spare drum set. I pulled out the book I'd sloppily written everything in and went over it, tapping the drums that Gabe needed to use with my fingers. It sounded okay, as long as he could understand my stuff.

"Kellin!" Mike calls. I look over to him, "Hey, where were you yesterday? And this morning? Are you feeling sick?"

I shrugged, then went back to looking at my book. I didn't want Vic to be even more mad at me. I was surprised that he hadn't already told Mike and the others that the jig was up and they didn't have to pretend to like me anymore. After all, I was the worst most terrible person anyone had ever met.

Mike didn't leave, though, "Are you okay?" he asked. I internally rolled my eyes. I could ask him the same thing. Why would he bother to hang around me? He must be mentally ill.

"Kellin!" Josh called from across the room.

I looked up at him and he started waving me over to where he was standing. I got out of the drummer's chair and made my way over while he started giving instructions to the rest of the class.

"Okay, guys, we're going to split up into the sound rooms now. I'd like PTV, GoGo, and Kellin to go to the one next door. Angel and Artie, Hologram, and Dubstep Unicorn I'll meet with you guys shortly in A. And let's have Jump, Medieval Mixers, and Shoelaces head on over to C." People started getting up to go to their respective places and Josh shouted after them, "At 3:10 come back in here for a meeting and clean up! Remember these are due Monday!"

I walked over to where the other groups I was supposed to be with were standing, steering clear of Vic when I noticed their band was there. Josh led us into the guitar room through a door attached to the music room. I didn't actually know if it was the guitar room, but there were lots of guitars and amps and a white board with frets on it. It was a pretty good guess. In the back was a sound studio, one smaller than the one attached to the music room.

"GoGo is first," Josh said. A group of four kids peeled away and went into the sound room, shutting the door tightly behind them and closing the shades. "Alright!" Josh clapped his hands excitedly. "PTV you're next." He turned to me, "And Kellin let's see if we can get Sleeping With Sirens in here, huh?"

Someone poked me on the shoulder and I jumped, turning around.

And right there.

Was my band.