*Play Night We Met by Lord Huron*
The sad part of this all, was although I told him to leave, I somehow expected him to stay, to fight for me. But he didn't, he just drifted away, and I've just waited and hoped that maybe one day he'll come back.
But the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes turned into days, the days into weeks and the weeks into a month, before I realised, that you weren't coming back.
The problem is, I push away the people that I want the most in my life, and I tell myself that it's because I need to learn to live without attachments, but deep inside, all I want is someone to resist my efforts and tell me I'm worth holding on to.
I only see fractions of you now. And even that kills me. You moved out of the apartment. Only Grayson lives there now. You moved a few blocks away, you occasionally visit Grayson.
I see you walk across the complex, but you don't stare in my direction anymore like you used to. I guess I'm just not on your mind anymore, must be nice being able to get over someone so easily. Because I know I'm still not over you, not even close.
And I can't help it, I do small things, like looking through my photos just to find ones with you just to remind myself, that at some point we did have something good.
I read our text threads daily, analysing every word you'd ever say to me, counting the kisses at the end of every text, and calculating the time between every message.
I can't stand the idea of you getting better for someone else. I know it's selfish of me, and I know I hold so much responsibility for the chaos of the past few months. But I wish you could have gotten better when you were with me.
The more I've sat with it, the more I've come to the realisation that maybe I'm the rotten fruit. I've been the bad bacteria all along, I just spread and decay everything close to me.
I can tell your healing, I know you know I was the problem.
I'm the catalyst that created this mess. I thought by leaving San Fransisco I'd leave all of this behind.
I thought I'd be free and happy. The only thing I have left behind is an excuse of who to blame. Exactly what I vowed I'd never be, I've allowed to subconsciously manifest into who I am now.
This addiction to what's bad for me is my submission to abuse. Seeing someone I love staying in a place where they're being constantly abused, whether it's what my mom would tolerate from my dad, or in Ethan's case... himself. I'm exactly what I vowed I'd never do.
I vowed to be better, I wanted to be better.
I miss you. I miss everything about you. You should've come back, you should've never left.
Please come home to me,
Ethan, I need you.
