All The Queen's Horses {Myrnin, Morganville Vampires}

I Can't Do This

He stopped and looked at me in confusion.

I continued in a rush, "I can't be the person who cheats. Or the person who gets off on brutally inflicting pain. Myrnin, you probably agree that the vampire, who attacked me, deserved everything I did to him. But that wasn't me. It's not who I want to be. And what I am doing to you is a hundred times worse. I cannot be that person. I have been a vampire for less than a week, and I don't recognize myself at all. If you love me...please...let me go."

His pupils dilated completely as he spoke between clenched teeth, "I'll kill him."

"No!" I cried. I knew it wasn't an empty threat.

He froze. He was teetering dangerously close to the edge. I could see it everything about him and I took a step back from his wrath. He glared at me and hissed, "So, this is about Gwion...You want him." His words were an accusation, not a question.

"No! How can you even think that is my reason for not wanting you to attack him? You have already told me how devastating a fight that would be. There are no promises that you would win. Would you really punish me like that?"

Fury vibrated through his chest. "You're just giving him what he wants. Are you really ready to be a pawn in his game? Because that is what you are to him. You are a thing to play with!" he said derisively.

Anger shot through me. "I am not giving him anything. As hard as this may be for you to believe, my reasons are about me. It is killing me to continue hurting you. I can't be that person. Besides, none of this is Gwion's fault."

"Not his fault?!" Myrnin repeated my words in enraged disbelief. He took a purposeful step toward me.

I knew this was dangerous. He was dangerous. If he lost control now... If the beast inside of him roared to the surface, he could easily kill me. But I couldn't back down. This was too important and he needed to see the truth. "Yes...Because I keep going after him, not the other way around. Amelie's powers want him, which means I want him. Gwion didn't force me to take her powers. That was your idea," I spat.

He recoiled as if I had hit him. Guilt and anguish washed over his features. And then he turned cold. His face transformed into a solid mask of indifference.

And I was dying inside.

"I'll make the arrangements," he said quietly and walked out the door.

I couldn't stop the tears. They were a constant stream down my cheeks. I changed clothes and washed the makeup off of my face. My entire body shook as I sat in a chair with my knees tucked up under my chin, waiting for Myrnin to return. I had no idea what he meant by arrangements. I wondered if he was going to have someone take me back to Morganville tonight. I wouldn't argue with him if that's what he chose. I knew I was tearing us apart. I wouldn't fault him for wanting to put states between us.

A knock at the door caused me to jump. I hurriedly crossed the room and opened it to find Abby. Her eyes were gentle as she held out a key card to me and murmured, "Your new room."

Of course.

Of course, we couldn't stay in the same room.

It would be too painful for him.

And me. My heart broke all over again.

I looked down at my sleep shorts and T-shirt and said, "Let me just change."

"That won't be necessary. You are only a few doors down the hall. The hotel staff will bring your things. Come on," she explained softly.

"Oh, okay," I said flatly. In the last fifteen minutes, my entire existence had changed. I felt disconnected with my body; like I was on autopilot.