Fix You | Cyan

Comfort | Chapter 15

I sat on the floor whimpering with Chip laying across my lap. I was holding onto him to make me feel better. There was something to just holding an animal in your arms that could calm you down. I would like to think that it helps me anyways.

Daddy didn't come after me right away and part of me was grateful for that. If he had come running after me it would of just made me feel more panicked. I needed some time to breathe and calm down. I think he needs the same right now if I was being honest. He seemed to be too angry to deal with me calmly. 

Regardless of any of this though I wanted my Daddy. Not the man that I was with downstairs, he scareds me. Who he was before wasn't my Daddy, I refused to think of that as him. I wanted the man that cuddled me when I needed him and took care of me when I was sick. I want the Chris that thought of my feelings before doing something. I wanted to feel like he loved and cared for me.

"Ryan?" I heard Daddy say through the door. I could tell he was calm now from how he was talking to me. It didn't make me feel any safer around him if I was being honest with myself.

I stayed silent as I wasn't too sure on how I wanted to answer him. I did want him here with me right now but I was still wary of being near him. I heard the door slowly open but I didn't turn to look at him. Daddy slowly walked into the room and over to me. It sounded like he was taking every step with caution, waiting for me to respond in any negative way.

Trying not to pay any attention to Daddy as he got closer to me I let Chip crawl out of my arms and he moved quickly to climb up the cat tree. I watch the little raccoon run around and I let out a giggle. He was so cute I couldn't help it. 

Daddy sat down on the floor behind me and I felt him slowly wrap his arms around his waist. I subtly took a deep breath to keep myself calm because I didn't want to get upset again. Plus I was scared I was going to set him off if I did. 

I didn't flinch away from him and I looked calmly in his eyes. On the inside I was a ball of nerves but I didn't want to be. When Daddy saw I wasn't reaction negatively to his touch he gently pulled me up onto his lap. I rested my head back against him shoulder, starring up at him as I got comfy. This was who I wanted back, this is my Daddy.

Daddy looked at me with sorrowful eyes. I still think it was obvious to him that I had gotten really upset. I wouldn't be shocked if my eyes were still bloodshot from crying as much as I did. He kissed the side of my head and I let out a small whimper as I started to become overwhelmed, I don't even know why I was getting like this now when he was being gentle with me in the same way my Daddy would. There was no trace of the man I had seen downstairs. 

"I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to hurt you that badly and trust me I'll get it if you don't want to spend the night here with me, I won't want to stay with me either. I'll drive you home right now if that's what you want. Are you okay?" Daddy said in a ramblely way and it was different to hear him like this. Normally he was so sure of himself but right now he seemed to be second guessing everything he did.

I looked down at the ground, scared to meet his eyes. I was fearful of what I would see in them once we started talking about this and I didn't want him to see the hurt in mine right now. "I knew you were angry but I didn't think you were that mad. I don't like when your mad at me, it makes me sad and scared." I told him, speaking slowly. I wasn't used to having to talk about things like this with anyone, no one ever cared for my feelings in this way. 

He ran his fingers through my hair, lightly scratching at my scalp. "I just got so angry and I don't even know how to explain it. It was just like I went back in time. I was filled with all the feelings I had before you and somewhere in my mind I was trying to take out that pent up anger on something. I fully forgot it was in my lap. It was like I was in some weird haze." 

I looked up at him when I heard him stop. I could tell he was struggling to understand himself and the fact that he was beating himself up so much was making breaking this down even more difficult. I hated to hear him like this.

Daddy let out a heavy sigh and he looked down at me and I let our eyes meet again. "I'm not trying to make an excuse. I know I shouldn't of doubt with this when I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do so. You don't need to forgive me for this. I didn't tell you any of that to make you feel bad either." 

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me like that but I just can't put it behind me. You were supposed to be different then my ex and other people that have been in my life. That just brought back so many bad memories that I didn't want to relieve." My voice started to get shaky at the end as those dreaded thought came back to me again.

Daddy's eyes filled with more remorse and part of me felt bad for sharing that even though I knew I needed to open up about my past to him at some point. I can't keep all my problems from him forever and it's not healthy for me to bottle this all in. 

"I'm so sorry for that I wasn't even thinking about what it was doing to you. I know I don't know everything about what went on in you past but I know enough to know that what I had done would effect you. I'm sorry for this. I just felt betrayed it. I don't care if you fuck around with other people as long as it's something we talk about first." He spoke in a serious tone and I know he meant every words of what he had said to me. 

How reasonable he was being with me made me feel a bit better. I could tell he wanted to fix this and I loved the thought of that. He hated the fact that he hurt me in that way which no one has ever felt about hurting me before.

I lent up and kissed the bottom of his chin, making him smile. "I still love you even if I seem scared. I just need some time to get myself out of my own head. Since you apologized I think I should too. I know I should of asked you first and talked everything through but I just wanted you to pay attention to me. I thought your reaction would of been a bit different and in the moment I wasn't thinking about the trust issues you already have from what happened before. I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry." I knew this was what I needed to say to him and I meant every word of it. He wasn't the only one in the wrong here. 

Daddy shook his head after I finished speaking. He seemed to not agree with my words at all. "No baby you didn't know and I can't blame you for that." 

I let out a whimper and pursed my lips into a pout. "You can blame me for it. I also did something wrong. Accept my apology. You not accepting it makes me sad." 

Daddy playfully rolled his eyes and then smiled down at me. "I accept your apology baby boy but just know I still won't blame you for this." He said to me in a way to compromise both of our views. If he didn't do this the conversation wouldn't of ever ended. The two of us can be very suborn when we want to be.

I stood up after he said that, grabbing Daddy's hands and pulling him up with me. Once we were standing I moved away from him and I bent down to the third tier of the cat tree, kissing the top of Chips head as I try very hard to not disturb his sleep. As I stood back up Daddy wrap his arms around my waist and pulled me up into his arms. I wrapped my arms around Daddy neck, laying my head down on his shoulder. 

He carried us out of the room and down the hallway and I looked up at him with big, curious eyes. "Where are we going Daddy?" I asked him even though I already had an idea. I think he could tell I was sleepy and drained. 

Daddy kissed the top of my head, looking down at me lovingly as we got to our bedroom. "Both of us need sleep." He set me down on the bed and started pulling blankets up around me. "I'll take tomorrow off and we'll make it a special day. We can do whatever you want for the day."