quixotic. ↣ d.h.

xxviii: madness

"did he hurt you?" searing anger flashed in her eyes.

a million lies rose in his throat, but in the end, dan simply sighed and nodded as he lowered himself into the window seat.

"you have to tell someone," zoe said immediately. she began to pace the length of her room, eyes like the static of an old television.

"i can't," dan said weakly.

"why not?"

"it'd only make everything worse. i mean, what's the best that could happen? i get thrown into a foster home, adrian goes to some hospital for his last days, and my mum's left alone with him?"

"she'd leave him," zoe said hesitantly, unsure of the words even as they were falling from her lips.

"no she wouldn't," dan sighed. "i can't let that happen to either of them. adrian doesn't deserve to spend his last days in some emotionless white room alone."

"last days?" zoe asked, aghast.

"basically."

"he isn't... getting better?" zoe slowed her pacing and sat down carefully beside dan. the cool fabric of the window seat turned soft and lovely again at the remembrance of the last night they had sat there together, holding hands in defiance of the catastrophes life had ensnared them in.

"not even a little bit," dan said defeatedly. "the opposite, actually."

"i'm sorry," zoe said. her voice was barely above a whisper as she reached out for dan's hand. he smiled slightly as she intertwined her fingers with his. "i know it doesn't mean much, but i am."

"well, thank you. really. it's nice to have someone to hold onto in a universe as messed up as this one."

zoe smiled then, glancing at the moon as if conspiring with it. "can i tell you a secret?"

"of course."

she scooted a bit closer to dan before turning her gaze back to the stars above them. "i like to believe that there are other universes than ours. ones where the good people are happy and the evil are justly punished. ones where there is no evil at all, only the smell of freshly baked cookies and the feel of warm sunshine on smiling faces. i like to think that there's another version of me out there that got everything she ever wanted and more, that never had to wage war with her own mind. but you know what?"

she turned to him then, an enchanting gleam in her silver eyes. "even if she was out there somewhere, she wouldn't really be me. we could share identical dna, but without enduring all that i have endured, she would never be me. do you get what i'm saying?"

dan nodded, chest strangely tight. "ugly though it may be, my pain makes me who i am."

zoe nodded with zeal. "your pain, your tears, your madness. those things that are unmistakably real. those things made you who you are. it may hurt to live through, but you'll come out on the other side shining brighter than ever."

"when did you get to be such an optimist?" dan teased.

zoe laughed. "i'm not, really. i just believe wholly in the beauty of life."

her expression turned serious again as she lifted her eyes from dan and let them be drawn in by the ever-glowing moon.

"follow your inner moonlight;" she recited. "don't hide the madness."

"allen ginsberg," she offered when she saw dan's confused expression. "lead member of the beat generation, a literary movement that swept through new york city in the 60s."

"i'm not entirely sure i understand all of the words you just said to me, but they sound great nonetheless."

zoe rolled her eyes, unable to help the smile that tugged at her lips the way the moon pulls the tide.

"come here," dan said softly, maneuvering his arm to make a place for zoe. the sound of cars in the distance was as loud as ever, the wind rippling through her diaphanous curtains.

her cheeks tinged pink, but she sat back in dan's arm and rested her head on his shoulder. everything was simultaneously falling apart and coming together in the wildest of ways, and their minds were buzzing with anxiety for the vast, unknown future. but dan's arm was warm around her waist, and zoe's hand was an assurance in his. they fell into a slumber, one far more peaceful than either had experienced in months.

no matter what war was declared against them, they could each count on the other to go down fighting with them.

a/n: sorry for the long wait! here's an extra long update to make up for it. this story probably has around ten parts left? wow. so yeah, be prepared for that. i will be starting a new teen fiction story when this is finished, titled "painting flowers for juliet sky" so watch out for that :)

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have a lovely day <3