quixotic. ↣ d.h.

xxxiii: exhilarating

it only took a quick glance at zoe for dan to raise his hand. "me. i'll go."

she looked at him and nodded in thanks. dan knew that she really should just get it over with, but she looked so scared... he would do anything he could to buy her just a little more time before she had to leap off that cliff.

"i'm dan," he said obviously, then added, "dan howell."

the effects of the name were clear on everyone around him. mr. levine and lydia both gasped, and james suddenly wouldn't meet dan's eyes. phil was the only one who continued to look at him in the same shade of light.

"i don't want to sound selfish, but it's really hard for me to be at home right now. i hate seeing my baby brother in so much pain and being entirely incapable of doing anything to ease it.

"and my parents fight a lot, so. that's not exactly an enjoyable thing to go home to either." dan grimaced. he hadn't planned on being so transparent, but once the taste of truth had settled in his mouth, he was eager to get it out. he wanted to tell them everything, if only to lessen the load on his chest. besides, he figured that the more open he was, the easier it would be for zoe to follow his lead.

"how is he doing?" lydia asked, biting her lip. "it's adrian, right?"

dan nodded. "he's fighting. the doctors aren't optimistic, though. what he has... it usually ends in..." he didn't have to finish. it was the only word in all their minds now, heavy and dark, with edges that pierced through every thought.

"we're sorry to hear that," mr. levine said softly. "give him our wishes, will you?"

"of course," dan assured. then he sighed, long and heaving, like a car that had been driven across the country and could go on no longer. "i joined because i needed a place to go. and it has ended up being a really, really good choice."

the quick smile in zoe's direction was missed by no one, and was remembered in the form of a strawberry blush on her cheeks.

"i'm glad that this club has been that for you, dan. thank you for sharing."

"no problem," dan replied. and it hadn't been. he felt lighter now, a little less of a slave to the incessant gravity that had been weighing him down for so long. it was an exhilarating feeling, opening yourself up to people like that. terrifying, yes, but most of the best things were.

"are you ready?" dan whispered to zoe.

she was ghostly pale, but managed a stiff nod. "uh huh."

"anytime you're ready, zoe." mr. levine said, trying to mask the concern in his voice.

she took a deep, shuddering breath and pulled a loose piece of paper out of the book in her lap.

"i wrote a little bit of verse," she spoke softly. "it's easier for me like this."

mr. levine waved his hand in an indifferent gesture. "whatever you need to do. it's perfectly fine."

the room was silent, except for the dull roar of blood in dan's ears. he sense devery bit of zoe's fear just by looking at her face. the rest of the group sat patiently waiting as zoe took a deep breath. the universe stood still.

then she began to read.