Old secrets

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Hi guys so this is something I really need to get off my chest, I was talking to my ex best friend today and she was talking about how suicidal people are selfish. Now my friend well ex friend knows I'm suicidal. What's sad is a lot of people actually believe that suicide is selfish, but do you guys ever think about what drives a person to suicide? I have had many attempts on my life and I really don't see why people can think this is selfish. the people who do think it's selfish, PUT YOUR SELF IN THEIR SHOES. Live a day like they do, because after a day you'd be like fuck I don't want this. You wouldn't want that stupid voice, that voice that is always right. When you try and fight with it, it only gets stronger. That voice will not go away, neither will those thoughts. To have someone who used to be my friend say that made me realise other people can think that as well, sadly a lot do. Honestly a lot of the time I feel like I'm drowning, everyone is around me breathing while I'm drowning. You stop breathing each time someone looks at your cuts, you know they are judging. You feel there is no way out, that everyone will be better off if you are gone. That in the end no one cares. Honestly, this world does suck. It's hard, lots of people are judgmental. Being a teenager is hard. You aren't sure where you fit in, sometimes you know you don't fit in at all. Anyway all I want to say is if anyone of my readers believes suicide is selfish, think a bit. You can have these thoughts, because I don't want them. Every one who struggles with a mental illnesses doesn't want them, I have the worst habit. When I'm having a terrible day even a Terrible week. I can get really mean, I'm snappy, that voice doesn't stop. Not once, it's constantly there. I've lost friends over it. So if you ever believe that suicide is selfish just think, because sometimes it feels the only way to escape. You guys need to think of what it's like to live with a mental illness, imagine having something that can make you believe that taking your own life is the only answer. I'm now 3 days clean of cutting, which is really big for me right now. I haven't hurt myself in three days, but hearing what my ex friend said. Honestly I feel like shit, I don't know why people could think that. I'm stressed, I'm scared, I'm breaking apart, I'm hurt, I'm nothing, I'm pathetic, I only really have two people. I know they care but it doesn't feel it, I'm always scared. I'm scared of everything. You live with being afraid and feeling lonely, feeling broken. Twenty for seven, plus add every single thought that goes to your mind, they aren't nice. So you live a day like that, even maybe a week. Then tell me suicide people are selfish, all of us just don't want to fight that battle every day anymore. The fight that never ends. If you had read this all, I truly love you. Just if you believe suicide is selfish, think a bit.