Rambling Writings (+ Shorts)

Doubting Everything #1

Warning: Strong language.

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Oh, fucking shit! I'm doing it again. I'm ignoring him. Blocking him. Reading messages without replying.

I feel like I can't help it, and like I'm a complete cunt, at the same time. Poor thing... he deserves so much more than the way I treat him, yet I am all he wants.

I'm feeling small and I can't quite put my finger on why. Maybe it's after what happened in London today. Maybe it's the harsh reminder of someone from my past. Maybe it's the memories of being betrayed in such a brutal way, more than once.

I'm so fragile, like a single pane of glass. I split into a million, flesh-shredding pieces under the slightest stress. I'm not built for the stresses of life, yet there are brief windows where life feels so good. Like window-hanging out of a car on an open road, or the sweet satisfaction of hitting the hay after a brutal day at work.

I knew this was coming. This inevitable crash and burn. Yesterday, I had such a productive day. Put 110% into work, got Mother's Day gifts, cleaned and dusted my room, sorted out my games and washing, got up-to-date with my journal... pretty sweet. Today, again, I put 110% into work, dusted my consoles, cleaned my laptop screen, dusted my desk, added to my Minecraft town... all sorts of good. Maybe I can only do so much. Still... this feels absolutely pathetic.

Shit. A Snapchat from him.
I should just sleep. He doesn't need to hear what's on my mind right now. He needs sleep. He needs to prep for his big day tomorrow. All goes well, and he won't have to see much of me. (Georgia, you know he misses you like fucking hell. Why would you say that?!) He'll only have the weekends available. Pretty difficult to travel 270 miles twice over a weekend. (I should really make more of an effort to see him.) 540 miles just to see me.

Yeah, I wonder why he makes the effort.